A Comedy of No Manners by Ellen Ross
Cast of Characters: Ellen, a charming divorcée of a certain age, Pierre, a very handsome man of about thirty-eight; Marie, another American Airlines traveler
All the action takes place in Row 19 en route between Logan Airport and O’Hare.
Ellen: (struggling to put her carry-on bag in the overhead bin) I’m so sorry to bother you but…
Pierre: (gallantly leaping from his window seat) May I put that up for you?
Ellen: (settling into her aisle seat) Oh, thank you so much. I can never quite reach the overhead. I’m too short. It’s such a pain in the neck traveling alone. It’s the only time that I really miss having a husband.
Pierre: (smiling as he resumes his window seat) The only time…?
Ellen: Well…may I ask where you’re from?
Pierre: I’m from France. I came here ten years ago and I work in Boston.
Ellen: Très intéressant. Are you going to Chicago on business or pleasure?
Pierre: Pleasure. I have never been there and I thought I’d take this three day weekend and meet up with some friends.
Ellen: You’ve never been to Chicago before? You’ll have a wonderful time. People from Chicago are very friendly.
Pierre: (smiling appreciatively) I can see that they are.
Ellen: (warming to her task) You know the weather in Boston was delightful but my brother and my son were both out west skiing this holiday. I had a wonderful time visiting my daughter and my grandson but I was terribly jealous. I love skiing and I wish I could have been out there.
Pierre: (also warming to the conversation) I’m a skier, too. Where do you ski?
Ellen: I love Aspen. Well, Snowmass Mountain, technically. That’s my mountain and they had record snow this Christmas. Gosh, I wish I could have been there. Where do you like to ski? Courchevel?
Pierre: I love Zermatt.
Ellen: I’ve heard that it’s fabulous. But I’m afraid to ski in Europe.
Pierre: (looking concerned) But why?
Ellen: I lived in Italy. Have you ever seen how they drive? A red light is an insult to their manhood. They ski just the same way.
Pierre: (laughing) You’re right about that.
Ellen: Dites-moi. What’s lunch like on the mountain in Zermatt? Is it incroyable?
Pierre: It is. The food is fantastic.
Ellen: Have you ever skied St. Moritz? Have you been to the Corviglia Club? I heard that it’s the most exclusive club on earth.
Pierre: Oui, chère madame. It’s too rich for me. But Aspen also has a wonderful scene, n’est-ce pas?
Ellen: Yes, the people-watching at the Aspen Mountain Club can get pretty amusing. Have you skied Cortina d’Ampezzo?
Pierre: Yes, the Dolomites are fun and…
Suddenly this fascinating conversation is broken when Marie, an awkward heavy-set girl wearing shorts (!?!) barges up.
Marie: (wrestling with her shapeless down coat and her bulging backpack) Excuse me but can I get in there? I have the middle seat.
Ellen: (shifting in her seat to make room) Can’t you get in? No? Ok, I’ll get up.
Ellen gets up. Marie plops down and immediately pulls out odoriferous McDonald’s from her backpack.
Marie: (chewing noisily) Sorry, you guys, but I’m hungry. Didn’t have a chance to grab any lunch.
Ellen is getting queasy but Pierre tries to pick up the conversation with her where it had left off.
Pierre: Do you fly to Denver and then on to Aspen when you go?
Ellen: (brightening under his renewed attention) You can, but in the winter there is a direct flight from…
Marie: (interrupting) Gosh, the plane tickets to Denver from Boston are so expensive. I have a sister who lives out there and a plane ticket from Boston to Denver can be over $800. Why is that?
Ellen: Well, it’s high season and maybe they are still trying to pay off the cost overruns at DIA or…
Marie: (interrupting) This trip I’m going to visit my other sister. She lives in Chicago. Do you live in Chicago?
Ellen: Yes
Pierre: No.
Marie: Where do you live? My sister lives in Logan Square. Do you live anywhere near Logan Square?
Ellen: No, I live in Lincoln Pa…
Marie: (interrupting) I LOVE Lincoln Park! I am such a big Frank Lloyd Wright fan. I try to go there every time I see my sister so I can take a tour of his houses.
Ellen: I think you mean Oak Park. Oak Park has a lot of fine examples of…
Marie: (interrupting) Oh, that’s right. Oak Park. I always get those two places mixed up.
Pierre: (over Marie’s head) Is there anything special in Chicago you would recommend doing this weekend?
Ellen: (over Marie’s head) I’m not sure how your buddies would feel about it but if it’s raining and you can’t be outside, the Art Institute has just opened a fabulous new contemporary art exhibit. It’s a must-see. The Warhols and the Lichtensteins and the Jackson…
Marie: (interrupting) I LOVE contemporary art. It’s my favorite art. Where is this exhibit again?
Ellen: It’s at the Art Institute….
By now Marie has forgotten her question and has pulled a laptop out of her backpack. She fires it up and is immediately engrossed in a game of video poker. Pierre gives Ellen a look of despair and plugs in a set of headphones into the console. Ellen pulls out a crossword puzzle, fills it in and then dozes off.
Two hours go by.
The pilot makes the landing announcement.
Ellen: This is a very Chicago question. Where are you going to eat while you’re there? Do you know?
Pierre: Yes, my buddies have already made reservations at Chicago Cut, Fig & Olive, Gib…
Marie: (interrupting) I like deep dish pizza. And Portillo’s. I always go to Portillo’s whenever I visit my sister.
Ellen: Portillo’s is a very Chicago experience. You should try a Chicago hot dog and an Italian beef sandwich, if you get the chance.
Pierre: Is that the sandwich that…
Marie: (interrupting) I’ve never had one of those. They do look good, though. What do you guys do?
Ellen: I’m a writer. I have a blog.
Pierre: I work for Cisco Systems as a …
Marie: A blog! What’s it called? Maybe I’ve read it.
Ellen: It’s called “Postcards from The Edge.”
Marie: I’ve heard of that.
The curtain falls as Ellen and Pierre exchange one last meaningful glance- and smile.
Finis
So tell me, Ellen, other than Marie’s attempt to break up your charming conversation with Pierre, how was that crossword puzzle?
Not as good as ours.
Well, that goes without saying.
I guess I didn’t need to say it. 😊
Perfect Ellen! Your account of that experience, all at the same time, illustrates how perfectly charming and easy to talk to (flirt with) you are AND how most other people on this planet are making it harder and harder to leave my house.
Thanks, Dicky. And you’re right. Hell is other people. Here’s hoping that 2016 won’t be as annoying.
Ellen — What a perfect story about the horrors of traveling these days. I was thoroughly enjoying the conversation between you and Pierre imagining living in Europe and then… I waited in vain for the third passenger, Marie, to offer to exchange seats with you so that you could continue your conversation.
The word that comes to mind is gauche. I would suggest Amtrak but that’s not exactly the EuroStar.
Merci beaucoup, Jacques. Imaginez-vous how I felt! And I had to watch her play video poker for hours, to boot. Quelle dommage.
This was not exactly the inspiration for the notion known as “…the Ugly American…,” but it could have been. I’m inclined to say that’s a picture of American culture at its worst but I hesitate to misuse the word “culture” in that way!!
Mais bien sur, Monsieur.
1. I love the part where you “innocently” mention, “It’s the only time I miss not having a husband”.
2. You didn’t fly first class?
3. I’d much rather have a Chicago hot dog, an Italian beef with sweet peppers and fries or a deep dish pizza over Gibson’s anytime. (I’m a very simple man!)
1. You’re are so on to me.
2. Usually- if someone else is buying or I can upgrade. No such luck on this trip.
3. I’m with you. 🍕🌭🍔