DWD (Dialing While Divorced)

Hey, does anybody know a good lawyer?

I realize that this is an oxymoron like “jumbo shrimp” (sorry, Mitch) but I’m thinking of filing a class action suit on behalf of all divorced people everywhere.

Against all the big phone companies.

Yeah, you heard me T-Mobile, AT&T, Sprint,Verizon.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

And what led me to this very litigious frame of mind?

It all started when my T-Mobile bill dropped.

Usually my financial obligations rise. They don’t suddenly take a turn for the better.  So this happy financial news left me dazed and confused.

I called T-Mobile and lo and behold!  My phone had been paid off and I was now the proud owner of a gently-used iPhone 6S.

And the customer service rep went on to say, that as a loyal, terrific customer of T-Mobile for the last FIFTEEN years, I would now receive my limited-data plan (that always ran out half way through the month) for the very reasonable rate of just $74.

How great was that?!?!

Excitedly I told TBF the good news.  My phone bill had just been cut in half.

He looked at me skeptically for a moment and then did some fancy thumbwork on his phone.

“That’s nuts,” he proclaimed in his usual beat-around-the-bush manner.  “You can have a new iPhone X and a better plan for about $50 a month total.  If you were on a family plan.”

What?!?!

A new iPhone X with cool face recognition and a better camera for the blog for $20 less?

How dare T-Mobile? I was pissed.

It would seem that DWD’s are just S.O.L. when it comes to calling plans.

That’s SO unfair.

Why should I be further penalized just because:

1. 1.  I had the misfortune to be married to a cheating hound dog?
   2.  My kids already have their own plans.

In all honesty, I wouldn’t want to be added on to Natasha’s plan. She micro-manages everything.

I’d probably get reprimanded and have my calling privileges suspended if she caught me on the phone too late.

And Nick is on his father’s plan.  As I have found out the hard way whenever my son calls me and my television screen helpfully announces, “You have a telephone call from Bill Ross.”

No, thank you.

And as for my ever-helpful helpmate TBF- he’s got Android and his family plan is so complicated that Heisenberg and Einstein combined could never figure it out.

That left me with exactly one alternative.

Calling Kenny.

“Hi, Kenny.  My old phone is paid off.  Do you have room on your family plan for another person?  You can get up to ten lines.  I think I get a new phone and still be paying less.  Can you check?”

“Sure, I’ll call AT&T and get back to you.”

It was a go.  Project Roffe/Ross Family Plan was launched.

We made a plan to meet up at the AT&T Flagship store on Michigan Avenue.

I was met at the door by a different Kenneth.  You know how when you walk into one of these joints you are taking your chances?  You spin the Tech Wheel of Fortune and you can either get a dud or a person with knowledge, incentive and a gift for customer service.

I got an ace.  Kenneth was pure gold.

For the next few hours he researched, texted, changed passwords, ran back and forth to check rates.  He basically killed himself to ensure that I had a great phone and that Kenny wouldn’t have to take a second job.

Here’s the fruit of his labor.

Voilà!

And then Kenneth really went to work making sure that I understood how to get the most out of my new toy.

HOURS later, Kenneth was exhausted.  But I was exhilarated.

I was a calling plan orphan no more.

And now, like I said, I’m on the hunt for a good attorney.

With witnesses like these guys, who can lose?