Author’s Note: I am running this post today in honor of Bastille Day. Sometimes a guy just has to take a stand.
My brother Kenny and my sister-in-law Mary Lu were in New York City recently for the Tony Awards. ML is a Broadway producer and she had a horse in this year’s race- Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? It had already won the Critic’s Outer Circle Award and the Drama Desk Award for Best Revival of a Play, and it was heavily-favored for the hat trick Tony.
(Tony Award Show skinny: They had killer seats. Smack dab in the middle- and right behind Tom Hanks. Kenny was five feet away from Mike Tyson. “Niiiccceee!” As Iron Mike said in The Hangover. WAOVW went on to win for Best Director, Best Actor and Best Revival. Bravo, ML.)
But on game day Sunday, as veterans of many Antoinette Perry Theater Wing festivities, Kenny and Mary Lu knew it was going to be a long time before they saw any post-award show nourishment. So they hied themselves over to Pick-A-Bagel on 8th Avenue for a mid-afternoon nosh.
It was the Sunday afternoon lunch rush and madness reigned. Countermen were frantically taking and filling orders at the speed of New York Power and Light. Mary Lu went to grab a table.
Soon it was Kenny’s turn.
Sidebar: By way of heredity and environment, Kenny is an honorary New Yorker. Our grandmother hailed from the Big Apple, and although she moved to Chicago when she was fifteen, old habits- and habitats- die hard.
Though she lived in Chicago for the next eighty-six years, (not a typo. She died at 101.) Grandmother never lost one sçintilla of her NYC edge. And she taught us that when you were in a food line, you promptly stepped up to the plate and immediately stated your business. No shilly-shallying. You never held up traffic.
So Kenny knew the drill.
“Next!”
“I’ll have a California Cobb Salad wrap, please. With bacon.”
The harried counterman eyed him indifferently.
“We’re out of avocado. No avocado today.”
“Fine,” said my always-amenable brother. “No avocado. No problem.”
But as he stood there, docilely waiting for his order, he spotted it.
An avocado lying on the chopping block.
“Excuse me. But there’s an avocado over there. Please put some in my wrap, ok?”
“Can’t. Store policy is avocado for phone orders only.”
WTF?
Kenny was baffled by this logic. As much as he hates to be a pain in the ass, he also learned from our chowhound of a grandma that no one jacks his wrap.
Ever.
“Wait a minute. Are you telling me that you’re going to put that avocado on a sandwich for some guy who’s calling over the phone rather than take care of a customer who is standing here right in front of you?”
Some shrugs from the now-pissed off counterman.
And by now the line was getting restive. Murmurs and catcalls of “Hurry it up, Bud,” were starting to become audible behind him.
“Put some of that avocado on my wrap,” instructed Kenny. “Or do I have go across the street to the grocery store and buy one?”
A Mexican Stand-off Glaring Contest.
And hordes of hungry Big Apple lunchers were growing violent.
But my normally mild-mannered Clark Kent of a brother had turned into Super(Deli)Man. He stood his guacamole ground.
With a huge sigh of surly reluctance, the counterman complied. He begrudgingly made Kenny his wrap with the precious “phone-orders-only” avocado.
Kenny had carried the day. But at what price? The absurdity and rudeness of the situation had thoroughly annoyed him. Now he was on a mission to settle the score.
There was only one revenge good enough for such egregious customer non-service.
He helped himself to his usual can of Diet Dr. Pepper from the cooler. Then he purposefully strode over to the table and plunked it down in front of Mary Lu. Then he made his way back over to the cashier and “forgot” to pay for it.
Yes, Kenny had just stolen a $1.25 can of soda from Pick-A-Bagel. He had swiped it in the name of Justice.
(And Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine.)
Allons enfants de la Patrie,
Le jour de gloire est arrivé.
Ellen- There is probably now a warrant out for Kenny. That attitude goes both ways. Seriously though, I thought the misprint was the $1.25 for the Dr Pepper.
Nope, that’s the correct price. I went on their website and checked. And yes, I have blown the whistle and Kenny is now a wanted man! Do you think there’s a reward for turning him in?
Thanks, early bird.
The Soup Nazi is across the street from Pick A Bagel. Really. Yes, Tony Sunday was our very own Seinfeld spisode. Since Larry David was my guest at Va Woolf Opening, what a perfect ending to the run. Thanks.
I love symmetry. Glad you approved, ML.
I am not from New York, but my hard headed German heritage also taught me to stand up for what is right. I had to laugh at Kenny’s predicament……a few years back I was visiting my 2 daughters in Tennessee (it’s one of my yearly treks). They live on Kentucky Lake in a small town of 10,000. We decided to have pizza one night from a local Pizza Hut (carry-out). When I arrived to pick up our dinner I was informed they had no pepperoni. Now I personally prefer sausage, but there was no way I was going back home without a pepperoni pizza for my Grandkids! To make a long story short, they sent one of their drivers over to Walmart to pick up pepperoni….as it turned out I was not the only one who could not understand how a Pizza Hut could run out of pepperoni. To some this may seem like a trivial story, but it made me a hero with my Grandkids and that turned out to be all I cared about.
No such thing as a trivial pepperoni problem. You saved the pizza day! Right on, Steve. And thanks.
Ellen:
I thought it would have been more like Kenny to have taken out his cell phone at that point and called the deli for the avocado.
Kenny says that it was more fun to fight with the Deli guy. Thanks for chiming in here, Pete. BTW, we are currently on the family reunion tour bus.
You captured my wacky NYC moment perfectly. Not sure it was blog worthy but it was fun to relive it. PS. I would boycott them but the black and whites are unbelievable!!
Are you questioning my judgement? If I think it’s blog-worthy, it’s blog-worthy! And I get where you’re coming from. A good black and white is always worth taking a certain amount of guff.
Thanks, bro. You may be a wanted man in NYC but you’re still all good in Chicago.
This is not uncommon for New Yorkers. My younger brother had to make a trip to new york for the first time ever. When he left the hotel for his first morning he had no idea how to get to his appointment, so he did what any one from Chicago would do. He went up to a cop on the corner and asked for directions. The cop looked at him and said “What do I look like, a travel agent”? This happened maybe 50 years ago and I still remember my brother’s utter frustration and embarrassment.I’m going to send it to him. Allan
I’m glad that Kenny could strike a Chicago blow in the name of your brother! This fifty year old wrong must be avenged! Thanks, buddy.
now I would have used my cell phone to call the Deli and HAVE avocado on my wrap
Guess I’v been in NY and away from Fresno California too long
Yes, you’re the second guy who suggested that! It was really the better solution. Thanks for chiming in here.