Check, Please!

Based on a True Incident…

Cast of Characters: Ellen, a beautiful, brilliant and sophisticated divorcée, her brother Kenny, a really good guy, Norman, a suave vegan man-about-town and The Waiter

All the action takes place in Booth 11 at a famous Chicago steakhouse.

Ellen:  Hi, guys.  So glad you two could make it tonight.  I love this joint.  The cole slaw is to die for.

Kenny:  I like the bread basket.  And the filet is great here, too.  Are you going to be alright with the menu, Norman?

Norman:  Oh yes.  I already called ahead and checked.  They have a special vegan menu and I’ll be fine.

Ellen:  Yes, they’re pretty accommodating.  And the service is always top notch.  I’m sure they’ll do anything you need them to do.

The Waiter now makes his first appearance.

Waiter: (beaming)  Good evening, gentleman.  And lady.  My name is Robert.  And I’m sure you’ve all been here with us before.  May I start you with something to drink?

Ellen: (gesturing towards Norman)  He’s never been here before and he’s a vegan.

The Waiter:  Oh, that’s right, sir.  I was informed that you would be joining us.  May I show you, sir?  Permit me.  This side of the special menu is all vegan.  The other side of the card is “gluten-free” but many of our guests get confused and want to know why there are meat items on it.

Norman: (politely)  Thank you.  I can see that.  Ellen, I know you don’t drink.  Kenny, will you have anything?

Ellen:  I’ll have a Diet Coke with a lime, please.

Kenny:  A Miller Light with a glass, please.

Norman:  Do you have a recommendation for a glass of white wine?  I’ve had the most terrible day.

The Waiter:  Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, sir.  But as a matter of fact, you’re in luck.  We are doing a very special wine-tasting later this week and I happen to know there are a few bottles of a delightfully insouciant Chardonnay on hand.  I have a Domaine Ramonet Montrachet that might be the very thing.  May I pour you a glass, sir?

Norman:  That would be perfect.  Thank you.

The Waiter exits and the conversation resumes.

Kenny:  So, Norman, will you get a chance to go away this winter?  Palm Beach or Palm Springs?

Norman:  Yes, I’m hoping to get away.  Maybe both.  If I can arrange…

The Waiter: (bearing the drinks)  Here’s your wine, sir.  I hope it’s to your liking. (He stands at attention and waits while Norman takes a sip.)

Norman:  It’s just perfect.  Thank you.  So, as I was saying, I hope to get a chance to spend a little time in both places.  I love Palm Springs as you know, but Palm Beach can be so much fun.  I’m just torn.

The Waiter:  I vote for Palm Springs.  The mountains, the golf courses, the dry weather.

Norman: (startled) Yes, thank you.

The Waiter:  And you know, they have completely done over La Quinta.  The Waldorf group has taken it over and lavished millions on it.  May I suggest that you stay there, sir.

Norman:  I’ll think about it.  So, let’s talk politics.  Is Ted Cruz eligible to run for president or not?

Ellen:  Do you mean eligible because of his Canadian birthplace or eligible because he’s a moron?

Kenny:  Well, he was born in Calgary but…

The Waiter still stands there.

Ellen:  You can come back in a few minutes.  We haven’t even looked at the menus yet.  We will let you know when we are ready to order.

The Waiter:  Oh, no hurry.  I’m just interested in hearing what he (he indicates Kenny) is going to say.

Kenny:  He seems to meet the requirements for “natural born citizen.”

The Waiter: (triumphantly)  Ha! That’s exactly what I think!

Norman:  (getting annoyed)  Yes, well thank you.  (He turns away and dismisses The Waiter but The Waiter stands his ground)

The Waiter:  Does anyone have any questions about tonight’s menu?

Norman:  I hear the cole slaw is wonderful.  Does it have any mayonnaise in it?

The Waiter:  A small dollop of mayonnaise, sir.  But we can leave that out or put it on the side for you.  Whatever you wish, sir.  And by the way, it’s Hellman’s Mayonnaise, sir. Never Miracle Whip.  Now as for me, I was raised on Miracle Whip.  And when it’s a tuna salad sandwich, as far as I’m concerned, it just has to be Miracle Whip.  However, for a salad dressing, Hellman’s is my choice.

Kenny:  I like Miracle Whip.

Norman:  No, it’s got to be Hellman’s.

Ellen:  I can see the reason for both.  Wait a minute. Who cares about mayonnaise?  I’m getting hungry.  Do you have the chopped steak tonight?

The Waiter:  We always have that, madam.  Unless we have run out of the prime aged beef. But never fear.  We have it tonight. Would you care to order?

Ellen:  I think we’d better.  I’ll start with the cole slaw.

The Waiter:  Would you like to toss it yourself or would you prefer me to toss it?

Ellen:  You can do it.  And I’ll have the chopped steak.  Medium rare plus.  Thank you.

The Waiter:  No, thank you, madam. (He turns to Norman).  And for you, sir?

Norman:  The cole slaw with the mayonnaise on the side and the cauliflower steak sounds just wonderful.

The Waiter:  It is, sir.  A very good choice.  And may I add that I love the way they prepare it here.  (He now turns to Kenny.)  And have you made your selection, sir?

Kenny:  I’ll start with the wedge.  No onions, please.  And I’ll do the crab cakes.

The Waiter:  Another very good choice, sir.  Now I see how you stay so trim, sir.

Ellen:  Well, he runs every day and he’s still playing hardball.

The Waiter:  Really?  That’s fascinating, sir.  Do you know my cousin played for the Cubs?

Kenny:  Really?  I’m a big Cubs fan. Who’s your cousin?

The Waiter: (motioning to Kenny)  Move over.  I’ll tell you all about it…  (He shoves Kenny over and sits down next to him.)

Norman and Ellen exchange meaningful glances but they can see that it’s hopeless.

Finis.