(Photograph by Mary Lu Roffe)
As you may know, I have been back in the dating game for awhile now. And I always discuss the pros and cons of my various suitors with my brother Kenny.
Don’t ask me why I do this. He knows baseball. He knows plenty about baseball. He knows NOTHING about dating- having married his high school sweetheart, Mary Lu, at the age of twenty-one.
I think his last official date was when he was sixteen.
What he doesn’t know about the current singles scene is a lot. But I had to vet my new prospects with somebody and I welcomed a man’s point of view on my love life.
So each time I start out on the road to romance with a new guy, I confab with Kenny about the new contender’s particular set of pros and cons.
Let’s take an example from February, shall we?
My latest would-be Romeo had some good stats. Smart, well-off, from Lake Forest, a widower. I was good with all of these.
So this guy made the initial cut. We talked for a week or so and then I agreed to accompany him to dinner and a play at the Goodman.
I figured how terrible could it be?
OMG.
First of all, the date was scheduled for a Friday night.
Now I’m sure that many of you know that traffic into the city of Chicago on a Friday is heinous. This guy was a world-famous Internet Wiz and I thought that for sure he would know that you have to allot plenty of time to come in from the ‘burbs.
Wrong. He may have been a Ph.D in computer science but he was a moron when it came to real world stuff.
And even though I had warned him, and begged him to leave enough time to make it to my house by 5:20, he showed up two hours late.
He had stopped to buy me flowers but they were closed… he had gotten lost… the traffic was heavier than he expected… yada yada yada…
I had to give him real-time directions as he called from the car but he still somehow ended up at Wrigley Field. By now, we had missed dinner and the play’s first act, but no matter.
I hated him already.
Then he informed me that there had been a change of plans. He now had to get to Woodfield Mall in two hours to meet one of his daughters.
WTF?
This left exactly forty-five minutes with me before he had to head west. So I threw the evening into overdrive and steered him toward my local dive Chinese restaurant where they serve you so fast, you’re out in thirty minutes flat.
As I gave directions to put him on the Outer Drive, I couldn’t help but notice that he was a terrible driver. Hesitant, fearful to make lanes changes, other drivers honking their displeasure at us.
I felt just like this.
After an interminable fifteen minutes, I headed him into the parking lot.
Dear Readers, he couldn’t park.
Even with all the bells and whistles of the fancy guidance system on his BMW, he pulled into the parking space and took up half the handicapped space on the right, as well.
This was pathetic.
“You’re in the handicapped parking space,” I pointed out. “Maybe you should back out and re-park?”
He backed out tremulously and then, oh-so-carefully, made his way all the way down to the end of the parking lot to pull into a space you could park a semi in.
Then we got out of the car and started walking to restaurant.
At least, I did.
He was so sloooooooowwww.
I had to keep stopping and looking over my shoulder to make sure he was still there.
He wasn’t that hungry, he told me. Could we just have appetizers?
That was fine by me. By now, I had completely lost my appetite. And I could also see that he would never have time to take me back home and still be on time to meet his daughter.
“Why don’t I grab a cab or Uber home?” I suggested. “That way you won’t be late.”
Fifteen minutes of painful small talk later, he threw down a twenty to pay for the apps and I hailed a cab.
What a yutz.
When he called the next night, I let it go to voice mail. And when he called the day after that, I broke it to him that it really wasn’t working for me.
Of course he was shocked. Boring egomaniacs never ask themselves if you are as interested in them as they are in you.
But here’s how my conversation with my brother- the relationship counselor- went the morning after.
Kenny: So how was your date last night?
Me: Awful.
Kenny: Come on. Give the guy another chance. He’s smart, you like Lake Forest, he’s successful. What more do you want? You’re lucky if anyone takes you out.
Me: He couldn’t drive.
Kenny: So what? At least he’s got a nice car. You can drive him.
Me: He was boring. All he did was talk about himself.
Kenny: So what? Who listens?
Me: His dogs aren’t house-broken. And he’s got three of them.
Kenny: So what? You’re the biggest dog person I know. You can train them in no time flat.
Me: He was too old for me. He could barely walk through the parking lot.
Kenny: So what? You’re not getting any younger and Nick and I will ski with you.
Me: There was no chemistry. He didn’t turn me on at all.
Kenny: So what? He’s old. You’d probably never have to do it more than once.
Me: He’s never been to baseball game.
Kenny: What?
Me: He told me that he’s never been to a baseball game.
Kenny: Dump him.
Thanks, Kenny. I knew I could rely on you for good, solid real world advice.
But here’s the guy I can always count on for great advice.
Play ball.
3 Strikes. He’s Out!!!!
You were SO right, Rocket! You can be my relationship coach any season.
hey hey…I should at least get credit for this picture.
I’ll correct it now, Coach. You’re right to call me out!
Kenny, I guess this fella isn’t going to be receiving a “10th Inning” handshake and $100.00 from Danley Garage.
I think you’re right, Padds. Kenny is at Ojibwa with the Boys of Summer right now. He’ll get back to you in this. Thanks, my friend.
Doesn’t take much!!
Given your optical status in February he must have
been a “blind” date. No more excuses now huh?
He would have had real tsurus if you had to
drive the 2 of you anywhere. Hope u can
“see clearly now”
C Ya
The comment had 20/20 hindsight! Thanks, Jess and hope to see you real soon! 👓
Save yourself some time. Just give Kenny the baseball scoop first. Nothing else matters.
You hit a home run with this advice, Kauf. You’re so right! ⚾️
Oh Ellen-what a disaster that sounded like. Hopefully someone will click n be Mr. Right. Best of luck.
You’re batting a thousand with this comment, Lynn. I hope Mr. Right shows up in the roster, soon. Thanks!
Thanks Ellen for the film and TV clips, the baseball wisdom, and the relationship/dating advice. Glad to know you’re looking for chemistry, and I do also have puzzles about the late Yogi and about the late Minneapolis-based columnist formerly known as Pauline Phillips. Just you don’t be late …
Thanks, Doc. And speaking of late, where were you this morning? You’re usually such an early bird! I knew you’d like the baseball stuff but I forgot that Pauline was living in Minneapolis. And did I ever tell you that Eppie Lederer, AKA Ann Landers, was at Kenny and Mary Lu’s wedding?
Not to worry about my ornithological habits, Ellen. I was up half the night revising a crossword puzzle, but read your article the moment it posted. After that, I got side tracked talking to a mutual friend of ours.
Thanks for the tidbit about Pauline’s twin sister. Surely you know what American holiday they shared for a birthday.
Unlike George M. Cohan who was not, they were born on the Fourth of July! 🎂🇺🇸
You’re on a trivia roll, Ellen. Which three out of the first five US Presidents all died on the Fourth of July?
I know Adams and Jefferson did. I give on the third one. 🤗
Ellen, it’s a logic test.
Adams was the second President and Jefferson the third President. Both died on July 4, 1826, exactly fifty years after the Declaration of Independence. To find out which other President (among the first five) also died on July 4 (albeit a different year), think about how the question was worded.
A trick trivia question? That’s a foul ball, Doc, and you’re outta here!
No trick, Ellen.
The correct answer is James Monroe, the fifth President.
If the (incorrect) answer had been James Madison, the fourth President, the question would have been worded as “which three out of the first four …”
Haven’t heard this song in years. Bad dating advice. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frCr6eq2Vfc
You’re right, Fred. I’ll never be a nurse or a purse.
SOMETIMES GOOD ADVICE, EVEN FOR THE WRONG REASON, WORKS REALLY WELL. NEXT TIME WILL BE BETTER – IT HAS TO.
Thanks, X-1. Nice to know you’re pulling for me.
WOW!!!
What a great script for Collegiate Week stunt night!!