Dream Lover

Don’t tell Jennifer Garner but last night I slept with Ben Affleck.

And it was great.

This is very unusual for me because:

1.  I’ve never met him.

2.  He’s married. (I’m not down with that.  Let some other chick settle for scraps.  Not this gal, brother.  I want it all.  Not just sneaky afternoons.)

3.  I never have steamy dreams.

4.  He doesn’t appeal to me at all.

When I’m awake, that is to say.

Yeah, he’s kind of in my wheelhouse- tall, dark and (sort of) handsome, but honestly, I’ve never seen him in anything on the silver screen that got me the least bit interested in him.

Horizontally-speaking.

But that didn’t stop my subconscious or superego or id or whatever it is directing traffic in my erogenous zones from letting him make a guest star appearance in my bedroom last night.

Because like him or not, last night we went at it like a couple of minks, and when I awoke, I was happier than I have been in a coon’s age.

I got up this morning with a smile on my face.  If I smoked, I would have had a celebratory cigarette.

As it was, it was Ben who was smokin’.

He was all business, and I was Gone Girl by the time he wrapped the picture.

Even now I get a little frisson when I think back on our late-night tryst.  Sigh…

Snap out of it, Ellen!  There’s only one thing for you to do.

Paging Dr. Freud.

Frau Ross:  What does this dream mean, Herr Doktor?

Doktor Freud:  Wilkommen, Frau Ross.  Machen sie cozy on ze couch.  Und vat do you think it meanz, gnädige frau?

Frau Ross:  I think the dream means not to be so picky.  Just because a guy doesn’t fire up all my cylinders, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t give him the time of day- or night.  Or could it mean that I’m just restless because I’m sleeping solo all the time…?

Dr. Freud:  Vunderbar.  Now we’re making mit the progress.

Frau Ross:  But I’m very stubborn, Herr Doktor.  And I’m no pushover.  Do you know that the only person I let hold my hand is my manicurist?  How do you like this color, by the way? It’s called “Tutti Frutti.”  It’s part of the new OPI Spring collection.

Dr. Freud:  Sehr gut.  The color- not mit the manicurist-handholding.  That’s farblonget already.

Frau Ross:  I know, I know.  But I just can’t seem to find a guy who does it for me.

Dr. Freud:  Come again?  Sorry, mein frau.  I couldn’t resist mit the pun-machen.

Frau Ross:  I mean someone who is my “soul mate.”  Fershtay “soul mate?”  I’ve tried that fünf times already, and believe me, Doktor, it aint no fun(f).  And my dating pool has shrunk to a droplet.  All the good guys my own age are married.  And I’m frightened of older men.

Dr. Freud:  Hmm…I’m conzerned with finding the origin of your “older man” phobia. Letz try a little frei-azzoziating, shall ve?

Frau Ross:  Jawohl, Herr Doktor.  Let’s do it.  It’s always so helpful.

Dr. Freud:  I’ll say a few words und you just say the first thing that comes into your kopf. Clark Gable?

Frau Ross: Manly, a man’s man.

Dr. Freud:  Gut.  Cary Grant?

Frau Ross:  Suave, debonair.

Dr. Freud:  Alles korrekt.  Alain Delon?

Frau Ross:  Gorgeous, breath-taking.

Dr. Freud:  Fantastisch.  Vater?

Frau Ross: Great guy.  Kind.  Never, never kvetches.

Dr. Freud: Ja. Ja.  Gut. Gut.  Wilhelm Ross?

Frau Ross:  Alter cocker, schweinehund, drecksack.

Dr. Freud:  Hmmm.  Das ess sehr interessant.  Now I think we’ll make with the ink blotz. Look at these drei, liebling, and tell the gut doktor vas you see.

Frau Ross:  This ones look like a tiny melted candle, this one looks like a limp piece of spaghetti and this one looks like a wilted bunch of gladiolas.

Dr. Freud:  Gott in himmel!  That is nein gut.  Those are the sexiest blotz I’ve gotz. They’re practically Rorschach porn.  Ach du lieber.  We zeem to have located der problem. It is my diagnozis that you azzoziate your ex husband with unpleasant things. That’s meshugenah, liebling.  We will have to work on that in your next imaginary zession. Maybe we will make with the hypnoziz.

Frau Ross:  Danke schön, Herr Doktor.  You always know exactly what to say to make me feel better schnell.

Dr. Freud:  Bitte schön, mein frau.  Now wait until I light this Corona Corona und tell the good doktor all about you und Ben.  Zo…how vas he in the zack?

Frau Ross:  Trust me, Herr Doktor.  Jennifer is eine lucky frau.  Well, the first thing he did…

Sorry.  Your fifty imaginary minutes are now up.

Auf wiedersehen, lieblings.

See you all Donnerstag.