Emergency Doctor’s Note: I am having surgery today for that problem in March that I thought was fixed. This came as a complete surprise and this sucks, Dear Readers. Please bear with me as my next Letter From Elba post will be postponed until I’m back on my feet and writing again. Meantime, enjoy today’s blog but don’t bother to post comments. I’m not going to be able to put them up today. (Btw, any good thoughts coming my way would be much appreciated.)
…So a couple of years ago I was visiting my son Nick in Seattle. It was a Saturday night and we had just had a late night après-theater dinner with our friend, Lou Magor.
(If you don’t already know Seattle’s finest, read all about Lou in Mensch.)
It was 11:30 and I went all in- pulled pork sandwich with spicy cole slaw. We yakked it up for an hour and then it was time to hit the hay.
Not so fast.
The moment I lay down I was overcome by an unfamiliar burning sensation in my stomach and my throat.
“Yikes! This must be heartburn, ” I thought. “I’ll never eat that late again. I must be getting old.”
And I tossed and turned the rest of that sleepless night.
But the burning sensation came back. It didn’t matter what I ate or when I ate it. Whenever I went to bed, it would reappear like Old Faithful.
Ouch.
By the end of two years, I was at my wits’ end. I was in mucho pain, no matter what I ate. As soon as I went to bed, it didn’t matter if I had ingested a meringue or a ghost pepper. I was in Hell on the inside.
Of course I was concerned. And of course I did what any sensible person does when they have a major medical problem.
I consulted WebMD.
The diagnosis was clear. The Internet said I had GERD.
Hmmm.
There didn’t seem to be much I could do about it- other than leave out virtually every food I enjoyed and sleep on my left side.
And for two years, I gave the restricted diet and sleep-on-the-side thing a try. I also went through industrial size bottles of Tums and Rolaids. I ate food so bland it would be banned in nursing homes.
Nada.
And then one day, Nick- who was tired of me bitching every time we sat down at a meal together- said this.
“Maybe you should try these, Dude. I’m lactose-intolerant and they’ve really helped me. Take them right before you start eating. What have you got to lose?”
He handed me two little white pills.
What indeed? I took them.
They worked. No pain, BIG gain.
“What are those things?” I asked my son, The Drug Dealer.
“This stuff. I buy it on-line. It’s from Canada.”
“But you can just get something like it at GNC, Dude.”
And that’s just what I did.
I’ve been heartburn-free since April and it’s been heavenly.
Oh, by the way, when I went to my yearly physical with my endocrinologist (no thyroid, long story) Dr. Pitts asked me how my heartburn was.
“It’s gone, ” I reported. “I take these crummy pills that Nick told me about and for some reason, they seem to work. Don’t ask me why but they do.”
I reached into my bag and handed them over.
“I know they’re not prescription or anything,” I said sheepishly. “But they’ve stop the burning. Do you think I’m nuts?”
“I take the exact same pills,” he replied.
My son, The Doctor!
