(No) Sex And The City Deux- The Sequel

The Cast: Charlotte, Miranda and Carrie.  All BFF’s.

The Time:  Dinner.  The Place: Joe’s Steak and Crab Restaurant, Chicago.  The gals convene in the bar/foyer.  They furiously air kiss.

Charlotte: You look so thin, Miranda!  Brava!

Miranda:  You too, babe!  You look great!

Carrie:  OMG!  I’m the fattest one!  Again.

Maitre D’:  Are we all here, ladies?  This way.  Your table is waiting.

Miranda (suspiciously):  Are you giving us a booth?  I specifically called ahead and asked for my booth.

Charlotte (sweetly): You needn’t have bothered, dear.  I’ve already texted Rich Melman and he’s reserved MY booth.

Carrie: Gosh, I know Rich.  His kids went to school with Nick and…

Charlotte (sweetly):  Spare us your never-ending, self-important auld lang syne triviata.

The waiter rushes over to take their drink order.

Waiter:  Good evening, ladies. What may I bring you?

Charlotte (sweetly):  A very dirty martini.  With four olives.  No more no less.  Thank you.

Miranda (pulling out a can of caffeine-free Diet Coke from her purse): I need a glass with three and a half ice cubes.  Thank you.

Carrie:  You don’t have Seagram’s Diet Ginger Ale, do you?

Charlotte (sweetly):  Oh, for pity’s sake, Carrie.  No bar stocks that swill.  She’ll have a Diet Coke with a lime.

Miranda:  Nope, ix-nay on the lime.  I just read about how they’re shipped to market. The conditions are filthy. Simply teeming with germs.  No lime for her- ever again.

Charlotte (sweetly):  We’re here tonight on business of the utmost importance.

Miranda (not looking up from her iPhone):  Yeah, I can’t believe I’m missing the finale of True Detective for this. Marty and Rust are going to catch that murderer tonight.

Charlotte (sweetly):  It has come to our joint attention that, although you have been living in the city for six months now, you have yet to go out on one viable date.  That is completely unacceptable.

Carrie:  Gosh, that’s not true.  You both know that I’ve been seeing that guy and he took me…

Charlotte (sweetly):  Enough.  Don’t say another word.  We all know your predilection for cradle-robbing.  How old was he again? Twenty-seven?  Oh my God.

Carrie:  Well, he is going to be twenty-eight real soon and we have so much in common.

Miranda (not looking up from her Motorola Droid):  Like what?  Neither one of you has to shave?  Yet.

Carrie:  We both like Tropic Thunder and Office Space.  And we love Spotify and YouTube and Uber and Daft Punk and…

Charlotte (sweetly): Spare me, Mrs. Oedipus.  I saw him once, Miranda.  It’s simple.  He looks like Nick.  This simply can’t go on.  You’re giving me nightmares.  The situation has become so dire that I’m breaking a cardinal rule.  I’m going to fix you up.

Miranda (not looking up from the Twitter app on her iPad):  Yeah, me, too.  Wow! The Twitterverse is going nuts over True Detective.  They’re closing in on the Yellow King. This is so exciting.

Charlotte (sweetly):  Can we pay attention to the real world, please.  I propose a partner in Harry’s firm- Steve Howard.  He’s a brilliant attorney.  And he was Skull and Bones at Yale.

Miranda (eyes glued to her iPad HBO Go app):  Yeah, and he looks like a skull and bones, too. WTF!  My app just crashed!  Anyway, I can do much better than him.  I want you to go out with my brother, Colin.

Charlotte (sweetly);  A big mistake.  If you don’t mind me saying so, dear.  Is he even divorced yet?

Miranda (eyes glued on her Apple TV):  Well, not exactly.  Mimsy is being difficult.  She’s still stringing the proceedings along.

Charlotte (sweetly):  Your brother is an imbecile.  How long has this divorce been going on now?  Eight years?  And they were only married two.  Forget about Colin, Carrie.  It’s all arranged.  I gave Steve all your contact information.  He will be getting in touch with you shortly.

The waiter comes back with their drink order.

Waiter (eagerly):  Can I take your dinner order now, ladies?  Are you ready?

Charlotte (sweetly): Another very dirty martini please.  And may we have more of the Lavash crackers, please?

Waiter:  Certainly.  And for dinner…?

Charlotte (sweetly):  That is my dinner.  Thank you.

Miranda (excitedly emailing on her Blackberry):  I will have the wedge salad. Hold the bacon, hold the onion, hold the blue cheese, hold the dressing.  Thank you.

Carrie:  And I’ll have the cole slaw to start.  It’s my favorite.  And the chopped steak. Medium.  Does anybody want hashed browns?

Charlotte and Miranda in horrified unison:  NO!

The disappointed waiter exits with their dinner orders.

Carrie:  Charlotte, a divorce lawyer?  Really?  You know how I feel about them.

Charlotte (sweetly):  With your dismal marital track record it will do you good to be on the other side for once.  Marry this one and you won’t be on the losing end of the legal system.  He’ll never let you divorce him.

Miranda (intently watching her Apple TV):  Forget about him, Carrie.  He’s a wonk and a dork.  Colin is cool.  And fun.

Charlotte (sweetly):  And broke.  And homeless.  Why does he always gives his exes the house?  I heard he’s sleeping on your sofa.

Miranda (feverishly texting away):  Who told you that?

Charlotte (sweetly):  Everyone in your building, that’s who.  You know, dear, that you live in Gossip Girl Central.  Every little thing that happens there goes viral instantly. Who manages your building?  The KGB?

Carrie:  Really girls, thank you for your concern but I’m fine.  I’m very happy with…

Charlotte (sweetly);  Fine!  That’s a laugh.  You haven’t been out with an appropriate guy your own age since the Ford Administration.  How do you two even get around?  And who pays?  There can’t be much money in skateboard testing.

Carrie:  That’s so unfair.  He’s got a bike.  And he pays. (sotto voce)  Every other time.

Miranda (looking up from her other iPhone):  I heard that.  That’s pathetic.  You’re in big trouble- and trending down.

The waiter comes with their food.

Carrie:  Oooh, yum. Everything looks great.

Charlotte (sweetly):  I’m sure no one could eat a morsel after Carrie’s sickening admissions. Take it all away.  Thank you.

The curtain falls as Carrie is wrestling the cole slaw away from the cowed- but strong- waiter.