Author’s Note: There will be no Letter From Elba this Sunday, Dear Readers. I will be attending my grandson Hendrix’s first birthday gala celebration in Seattle.
Yes, time flies. Hendrix is going to be one.
(I would have put his photo up here but as you know, his father, my son, Nick, has strictly forbidden it. So just imagine a really adorable tyke and you get the picture.)
See you back on September 13. Thank you.
And now for today’s blog post.
I must admit at the outset that I’m getting sick of it.
The “Look” I mean.
You know. The one that I get from other women that’s patronizing as all get out and full of pity.
Their brows furrow, their eyes get moist, their lips turn down in a struggle not to frown.
And what brings on this show of pseudo-sympathy?
It’s always the straightforward announcement that my children- and grandchildren- live out of town.
Here’s how that conversation usually goes whenever I’m introduced to a new person of the female persuasion.
New Lady: (finally taking a breath after bragging non-stop for ten minutes on the many virtues and talents of her unbelievable gifted grandchildren, Trip, Katie, Cady, Olivia, Matthew, Lacey and Casey (they’re twins) Sophie, Ryan and Declan) And do you have children?
Me: Yes. Two. My daughter is married and has a boy aged four and a little girl two and a half. And my son and his wife have a baby boy ten months old.
New Lady: (sadly disappointed somehow) Oh.
Me: (hearing my cue) That’s quite a gang you have! It must be fun when they all come and visit.
New Lady: (perplexed. And vexed.) Visit? What visit? They all live close to me. I babysit some of them almost every day. Do your kids live in Chicago?
Me: (apologetically. I know the drill by now.) No. My son lives in Seattle and my daughter lives in Boston. That’s probably why I still live in Chicago. It’s a good half-way point for them to meet up.
And that’s when I get “The Look.” It’s so condescending that I immediately know that this new woman considers my situation- and me- pathetic.
New Lady: (trying hard not to sound triumphant) I’m so sorry. I get to see my grandkids EVERY day if I want. I just love being a big part of their lives.
Me: (expected to look anguished and envious) You’re sooo lucky.
New Lady: (gloating. She can’t hide it now.) The other day. Trip- you know, the oldest- he’s eleven, did the cutest thing…
I’ll be more merciful to you, Dear Readers, than the New Lady ever is to me. I’ll spare you the banal details of her little story that’s supposed to regale, amuse and show off what a good- no make that great– athlete, scholar, musician, genius, nuclear physicist Trip or little Sophie (the youngest) is.
And trust me.
Once they find out that I’m challenged in the in-state grandkids department, they really go to town.
I’m always polite. I never point out that perhaps these doting grandmothers are leaving out some of the less-than-savory details about their families. Things they can’t brag about.
For instance:
-
- Their grandchildren’s parents neglected to get married.
- Their son-in-law is a mooch who can not keep a job and thus “works” for his father-in-law.
- Their grandchild is out-of-control brat.
I could go on and on. But I never say any of this stuff. I gracefully accept the New Lady’s condolences for the tragedy of my life and I let them feel real sorry for me.
It makes them so happy, you see.
If you think I’m making this up for the sake of the blog, let me re-enact an incident that did happen to me. Recently I met a women who had three married children all living within a two mile radius of her. I congratulated on her good fortune.
“You’re so lucky that your kids live near you,” I sighed.
She looked at me as though I was nuts.
“Of course!” she snorted. “Of course they would never dream of moving away.”
And she stared at me knowing that I had been some kind of unfit mother whose kids had to move out of state to get away from toxic me.
Where they no doubt lived in poverty and filth with the wolf at the door and the shadow of lousy daycare looming because the grandkids’ no-good harlot of a grandmother got what she so richly deserved.
Of course?
Of course.
Scottsdale and Boca and although we would prefer them being closer we see them as often as possible . We have a place near Boca so that makes that issue less of a problem. But we are a little envious of those who have their kids living nearby.
Well at least you have a place nearby one of them. I make do with FaceTime and photographs. Holidays are always a challenge. But I hang in there. If everyone is happy and healthy, I’m just plain grateful.
On that last point, I totally agree.
Quality over quantity…always. You’re going to be the fun Grams they will want to visit when they reach teens/adulthood. Just wait your turn and skip the diaper changes.
You’re the best, Kev. You always know the right thing to say. (And let’s not forget Christmas presents. You helped me get the vote of “Best Gift Ever.”)
Atlanta and Boulder and Deb and I can’t be happier because
THEY ARE HAPPY😍.
And there is always FaceTime.
You said it, brother. Amen. 😊👍
My kids do live less than 2 miles away but that doesn’t mean that I see them all the time. They have lives of their own and boundaries are important. I hear from my granddaughter when her car is in the shop and she needs a ride. When you go to Seattle or Boston and spend a few but intense days with the grand kids, you really have more actual time with them than if they lived near by.
You’re a doll,Vivian
Ellen, I raised my children 750 miles away from my parents in Wilmette so I’m grateful my children and grandchildren live in Kansas three to four hours away. But with their busy lives (and mine until I retired last year) I still only see them a couple short times a year. Sometimes I think the advantage of living at a distance from your children and grandchildren is you can blissfully pretend everything is going well for all of them. I’d really rather not know anything else.
I agree with Vivian about having more actual time with your kids and grand kids when you spend some intense one on one days with them after you’ve traveled a significant distance to see them. My oldest daughter still remembers our wonderful times when I traveled to see her, the husband, and their children when they lived in Connecticut and Iowa. She said it was much more special than the times I see her and her children in Kansas since they moved back. Often the times in Kansas have to be shared with her siblings and their children.
Have a wonderful time with Hendrix in Seattle.
Thanks so much, Susan. As usual, your clear-headed, wise council means so much to me. 👍😊