Cornerstone

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Letter From Elba Announcement.  Dear readers, for the next two weeks I will be playing hooky.  I am skipping town and heading West.  In the course of my travels I hope to see some old pals, catch up with a Cali kid, gaze over a few golf courses and mountains, chill by a pool and eat an Apple Pan hamburger.

This marvelous adventure should give me a whole new outlook and I’m looking forward to every minute of it.  So miss me a little- and please look for a brand new Letter in your email box on Sunday, October 19.

(And hopefully by that time, Youtube, Google and Apple will have worked out the bug that prevents you from seeing the bottom film clip on an Ipad.  Again.  Sorry, guys.  I have NO control over this issue.  Watch it on your phone or computer.  It’s worth it.)

Thank you.

Author’s Note: This post is dedicated to my daughter, Natasha- and all good teachers everywhere.

And now take another kind of trip with me.  With school starting again last month, I wanted to re-enroll.

So get in my DeLorean time machine and turn the date dial back to September, 1955.

I’m in first grade at a little red schoolhouse called Avoca.  It’s an Irish name.

Another Irish name is Murphy.  As in Mrs. Murphy.  And she was our principal at Avoca.

She had first come to the district in 1932 and she stayed on for the next thirty-six years so things were done right and kids like me got a great education.

Avoca was a little red brick, forty-five student school house when she first took the reins. But by the time she retired as superintendent, the classroom population had soared from to 1530.  And one building had grown into three.

Avoca was the site of most of my childhood triumphs- and tragedies.  And the wonderful education I received there stood me in good stead as I made my way through the world of arts and letters.

In fact, I believed in the school so much that it was where I sent my two kids when their ABC time came.  All three of us even shared the same first grade teacher- Mrs. Dale.

I drove by my old school practically every day.  I loved seeing it.  A concrete symbol of many good things.

But in August of 1992, they started to tear my school house down.

I  had known about the asbestos problem that had precipitated this dreastic course of action.  And I could see a modern, high-tech building rising in its place.

But driving by, day after day, watching that wrecking ball destroy the repository of so many memories was painful.

When the demolition was finished, I felt bereft.  I had nothing left of the place.

And then one morning two women came to my door.

One of them held a brick.

I was instantly on my best behavior.  My visitors were Miss Ostlund, my third grade teacher, and Miss Milner, one of my junior high teachers.  They were on a mission.

They had salvaged twenty-five bricks out of the wreckage and they were giving them to former faculty members and students all over the country.  People they knew cared about the old school.

And naturally they had sent one to Mrs. Murphy- then a spry eighty-three years young and running things efficiently out in her retirement community in Lake Havesu City, Arizona.

“Why did you do it?” I asked, surprised by all the trouble my two former teachers had taken.

“When I saw the demolition I just couldn’t believe it,” said Miss Ostlund.  “There was the cornerstone of the building just thrown into the rubble.”

“So we took pictures and and we decided to salvage some of the bricks as a remembrance,” added Miss Milner.

My teachers had another surprise for me.

They had brought photo albums with them.  It seems that they had saved pictures of every student they had ever taught.  It was an archive of two lives devoted to young people.

(I squirmed when I saw my third grade self- pony tail, buck teeth, glasses and all.)

We reminisced about the good old days and the changes these two wise ladies had seen over the years- from school curriculum to the family structure.

Miss Milner reminded me that in seventh grade she had taught me to diagram sentences. Thirty years later, I finally got up the nerve to protest.

“I hated diagramming those sentences,” I complained.

The she reminded me of a grape shears that my mother had given her many Christmases ago.

“I still have it,” she said.

As Miss Ostlund and Miss Milner left to deliver more bricks to other former students in the area, we kissed good bye.

So many good byes.

Good bye to the building, good bye to the playground, good bye to youthful hopes and dreams.

Mrs. Murphy and Miss Milner are gone now.

But as I looked at my brick, I knew that old buildings, great teachers and childhood dreams never die.

They’re always alive in the place that matters most.

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Posted in Memoir, Teachers, Tributes | 12 Comments

Talk To Me

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The New York Times proclaimed it. “Pass the Word. The Phone Call Is Back” trumpeted the headline of the Sunday Business section a couple of weeks ago. That’s swell and it must be true, because all kinds of guys have been calling me up and asking me out.

All the wrong kind.

Some who are just bored, some who are just lonely or some who are just married.  (Some who are all three.)  Some who are egomaniacs and want to be entertained.  Some who are too old for me.

And then there was this guy.

Not long ago, this man called and asked me for a date.  He had been given my number by a mutual (man) friend who had asked my permission to dole out my digits.

(Back in May.)

I said ok.  Hell, I’m game, right?  And it was just before my disastrous blind date taught me a lesson.   (Click on “Date Night” if you missed that tragic comedy.)

Here’s exactly what happened…

He:  Hello, Ellen?  You don’t know me…

Me:  Oh, hi.  I know who you are.  You’re Tom’s* friend. (*Name change to protect the innocent go-between.)

He:  So tell me about yourself.

Me: (I HATE this question, btw.  You guys have been reading my blog for two years. Where  exactly would you start if you were me?  Deep cleansing breath.)  I’m a writer.  I write a blog twice a week.  And I’ve just moved back to Chicago.  I lived in Aspen for seventeen years.

He:  You must be some skier!

Me:  No, I’m not.  But I love it.

He:  I love it, too.  I’ve been out there a couple of times.  I’ve skied Aspen and Snowmass and Vail and Whistler.

Me: (enthusiastically)  If there is one thing I lOVE, it’s a fellow skier.

He:  But I don’t do it any more.  I’ve given it up.  Just too old for it, I guess.

Me: (Now I’ve stopped listening.  This guy’s been on the phone with me for exactly one minute and he’s already mentioned the words “too old.”  I’m outta there mentally.)  Um, what do you like to do for fun now?  Do you like crossword puzzles by any chance?

He:  No, I don’t play games of any kind.  No chess, no puzzles, no cards.  Nothing.  Do you like them?

Me:  Well, I used to love doing them, but now I’m making them and that’s even more fun. (So ok, no skiing, no games… this is finished before it’s started.)

He:  I like movies.

Me  (This perks me up again.):  Oh, good, I like movies too and..

He:  Woody Allen movies.

Me:  Oh, no.  I can’t stand him.  I stopped watching him after Manhattan.  His relationship with Mariel Hemingway in that movie was so creepy.  I liked him much better when he dated Diane Keaton in Annie Hall.  And he’s not funny any more.  Just an old, narcissistic pedophile.

He:  Well, I love him and a new movie of his is opening this weekend.  Would you like to see it?

Me:  That got creamed by the New York Times on Twitter yesterday.  It’s supposed to stink.  No thanks.

He:  Oh, I don’t trust the Internet.  And I hate social media, too.  So many nay-sayers.

Me: (heart sinking even lower than before)  Everything I do is made possible by the Internet.  It’s the future of journalism.  Just today I was read in Spain, Japan, and Italy. It thrills me to know that people can read me all over the world.

He:  Well, that’s nice, I guess.  And I have to confess.  I’ve actually read one of your posts. Tom sent it to me.

Me:  (brightening up a bit)  Oh, yeah?  Which one?

He:  I don’t remember.  I think it was about… motorcycles, maybe?

Me: (baffled)  I don’t think I’ve ever written about motorcycles.  Maybe cars?  And by the way, do you like cars?  I love them.

He:  Material possessions mean nothing to me.  Have you ever heard of Warren Buffet?

Me:  Yes.

He:  Well, he has four kids, he never remarried and he has left his kids very little.  He didn’t want to ruin them with riches.  I like that.

Me:  He has three kids- one daughter and two sons- and he remarried a long time ago,. He married a woman that his wife Susie fixed him up with when she went off to San Francisco with the man she was romantically involved with.  Her trust left her kids very well-taken care of.  Plus, he has reassessed his opinion of his children and they’re all in charge of huge trusts.  They’re well-provided for.  You don’t have to have a tag day for the Buffet kids.

He: (suspiciously- and a little startled)  How do you know this?

Me:  I’ve seen him interviewed by Charlie Rose a lot and I read The Snowball.  You know, that great biography that he cooperated on.  It’s the go-to book on Buffet.

He:  Well, let’s not waste the night at the movies.  Let’s go somewhere we can talk.

Me:  Ok. Let’s eat something.

He:  Good idea.  Where do you like to go?

Me:  ( I LOVE this question.  It’s so nice – and generous- when a guy offers to take you some place that you like.)  Me?  I eat anything but sushi and Greek.  You pick.

He:  No, you name it.  Sure, name it.

Me:  Well, are you sure you’d like to go to a place that I pick?  Well, I like Joe’s, Gibsons, Hugo’s, Bavette’s, Luxbar…

He:  I don’t eat meat.  I’m a vegetarian.

Me:  (Thinking OMG.  Another mishegoss. Joe’s doesn’t have seafood?  Or Hugos’s? What the hell is wrong with this guy?  I am still trying to come up with a restaurant when he asks another question.)

He:  What are you looking for in a man?

Me:  Chemistry.  Passion.  That certain something.  How about you?

Him: That’s all behind me now.  I’m only looking for a companionship.

Me:  Hang up now and get a dog.

HE:  That’s really cute.  Tom was right.  You are some kidder.

Me:  I’m not kidding.  I’m never going out with you.  What kind of man would actually say that he isn’t interested in passion?  Good bye.

Click.

The phone call may be alive and kicking but that one was deader than the rotary dial.

Hey, Mr. Right.

Text me.

NOTE: For some reason, this clip is not playing on an Ipad.  It will play on a computer or a phone.  I have NO clue as to why.  My bad.

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Trashy

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With the New York Film Festival in full swing, the Telluride and Toronto Film Festivals just behind us, and Chicago’s very own version set to debut in October, we’re drawing nigh to the wide release of some very highly-praised movies.  I must single out three of the most buzzed-about films and performances.

The first is The Imitation Game.  Opening on November 21, Benedict Cumberbatch- my heartthrob- has given a tour de force performance as Enigma Code breaker, Alan Turing. BC is probably the front-runner sure to be nominated in the Oscar’s “Best Actor” category.

A fellow Brit, Eddie Redmayne, has also garnered tons of praise as a young Stephen Hawking in The Theory of Everything. It opens November 7.  Take a gander here.

And hooray for the USA!  Here’s our very own Michael Keaton in Birdman.  His star turn  as a former action star making a theatrical comeback has also won lots of early applause. It opens October 17.  Here’s the trailer.

All three of these guys have given brilliant performances and I can’t wait to see them in (lights, camera) action.  There is going to be a real horse race come Academy Awards night next year.

But I must admit my taste is not always so hoity-toity. Sometimes I find myself longing for Hollywood’s golden era when movie stars just “had faces,” and movies were artistically low rent and unashamedly trashy.

Call me low-brow, but Jean Negulesco, director of  such wonderful nonsense as Three Coins in the Fountain and How To Marry a Millionaire, gave me as much cinematic pleasure as Martin Scorsese ever did.

Unfortunately, the Academy does not share my taste and thus, many of my favorite movies were never given quite the credit that I think they deserve.

So now I’ve founded my very own Ellen Ross Trashy Movie Awards.  Here are my selections.

My first category is: Really Bad Movie Soap Operas.  The nominees are:

Light in The Piazza (1962) Peyton Place (1957) A Summer Place (1950) Parrish (1961) and Susan Slade (1961).

(Troy Donahue- starring in three of them- should get a special mention here.  He also made it into The Godfather II using his real name for a character name.  A very unusual honor, btw.)

May I have the envelope, please?

And the winner is: The Best of Everything (1959).

This movie had the worst of everything.  Joan Crawford with power suits and nostrils flaring.  Louis Jourdan hopelessly miscast as a ruthless Broadway producer, Brian Aherne looking weary and dissipated, Diane Baker (love her)  out-of-wedlock pregnant and being thrown out of Robert Evans’ sports car.

And who could ever forget super model Suzy Parker- driven to jealous distraction- hysterically rummaging through Louis’s garbage?  That was just great.

Speaking of Monsieur Jourdan, that brings us to our next category.  Worst Fake Foreign Accent.

The nominees are: Tom Cruise in Far and Away (1993) Kevin Costner in Robin Hood; Prince of Thieves (1993) Spencer Tracy in Captains Courageous (1937) and in a stunning double nomination (Eat your heart out, Emma Thompson) George Hamilton for Light in the Piazza (1962) and Love at First Bite (1979).

But the winner is Michelle Pfeiffer in The Age of Innocence (1993).  (And it’s supposed to be her native tongue.)

Whose idea of joke casting was this?  The elegant Countess Ellen Olenska played by the consummate Valley Girl?

Fer sure. NOT.

Pfeiffer was gorgeous, true, but she did not have the moves, the mannerisms or the correct accent to pull this role off.  All she was missing was the chewing gum.  Even Daniel Day-Lewis couldn’t save her from herself.

Our next Trashy Award category is: Way Too Old For The Role. 

The nominees are James Stewart in The Spirit of St. Louis (1957) Humphrey Bogart in Sabrina (1954) Fred Astaire in Daddy Long Legs (1955) and Gary Cooper in two movies, Pride of the Yankees (1942) and Love In The Afternoon (1957).

But the winner is Lucille Ball in Yours, Mine and Ours (1968).  She and Henry Fonda were depicted as parents of a huge, blended family. And then, she actually had a baby in the film.  She was born in 1911.  You do the math.

The next category is Non Billy Wilder Movies That Made Me Really Laugh. The list is endless, and I have to give a special shout out to films like Tropic Thunder, The Hangover and Dodgeball.

But the nominees are:

Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989) The Money Pit (1986) Mr. Hobbs Takes a Vacation (1962) It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, World (1963) and Analyze This (1999).

But the winner is: Caddyshack (1980).

Bill Murray is demented, Ted Knight is perfectly pompous, and whenever Rodney Dangerfield opens his mouth, I fall down.

There is a special award given to Best Hair in A Movie-Female.  The nominees are: Kim Basinger in Batman (1989) Ali McGraw in Love Story (1970) Rita Hayworth in Gilda (1946) and Marilyn Monroe in Some Like It Hot (1959).

But the winner is Julie Christie- in EVERYTHING.  From Darling (1965) to Petulia (1968) to Troy, (2004) Miss Julie reigns.

And for Best Hair- Male?  Only one winner- Cary Grant.  No contest.  Lifetime achievement award.

Our final award category today is Everything I learned About World War II, I Learned From This Movie.

The nominees are: Halls of Montezuma (1951) Kelly’s Hero’s (1970) Destination Gobi (1953) Operation Petticoat (1959) The Dirty Dozen (1967) and Mr. Roberts (1955).

And the winner is Destination Tokyo (1943).  This movie is packed with raw recruits, wise-cracking enlisted men, heroic deeds, heart-wrenching deaths and Cary Grant.  All on a submarine.  Kick Das Boot to the curb and watch John Garfield.

Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen.  The First Annual Trashies. We’re taking nominations for next year’s awards, so be sure and cast your ballots.

And I’d like to thank Mr. Negulesco, Jerry Wald, Douglas Sirk, Ross Hunter, Guy Green, Robert Aldrich and Delmer Daves.

No one makes ’em like they did.

Hooray for (old) Hollywood.

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Posted in Movies, pop culture | 16 Comments

Piece of Cake

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Fantasy Fudge.  Apple Twists.  Cheese Flakies.  Chocolate Puffs. If you grew up on Chicago’s North Shore, you’re sure to recognize these names and remember Heinemann’s Bakery. They started in 1929 with a single, small bakery.  By 1935, one store had grown to three and these days, the home-grown, bake-from-scratch enterprise sells nation-wide to supermarket chains everywhere.

When we were kids, my brother Kenny and I were crazy about all their scrumptious wares.

But we had, what can only be described, as an obsession with their famous, devil’s food chocolate, neon green, butter cream-iced pistachio cake.  Take a look.

This confection was the go-to dessert in our household.  We ate it all the time.  I was even willing to ignore my “I have to fit into my skimpy two piece bathing suit” rule to make an exception in its yummy case.

Sweet table Sidebar:  We have just switched over to a new Heinemann’s creation- the above-pictured pistachio cupcake.  Kenny stumbled across it at Jewel recently, and instantly alerted me to its existence.  Really good.  And it saves us from having to buy the whole cake.  A triumph.

Heinemann’s was always our bakery god.  The gold standard by all other bakeries was measured.

Cookie Fate moves in mysterious ways, and one day, all our slavish devotion to their product line paid off.

My friend (and Snowmass ski instructor) Hays divided his teaching – and friendship- time between three big clients.  One heavy hitter was yours truly.  The other two were a couple from the North Shore named Sue and Vincent Graham.

The three of us had never met- by design.  We would alternate ski trips so we could avail ourselves of his services. The Grahams had no children, and that made scheduling easier, too.  I grabbed all the boarding school holidays right off the calendar.  They booked many of the other ski weeks, and we’d split the rest.

But even though the three of us had never met, we all knew each other. There are lots of long, cold lift rides over the course of all these ski trips. and Hays would talk to me about the Grahams (he was crazy about them), and ditto, I guess.

And then one day, it all fell into place.  Sue’s maiden name was Dorner.  And it was her family who had co-owned Heinemann’s since 1935.

And Vinny was the man in charge.

This news blew me away.  And once our Heinemann’s addiction had been carefully explained to him, Vinnie graciously extended to us an invitation to visit the Heinemann’s plant on the Southwest side to see all the buttercream and fudge deliciousness for ourselves.

Phone calls were exchanged. Little League coaching baseball calendars and baking schedules were consulted, and finally, a Friday night seven p.m. field trip was set up for Kenny and me.

On the appointed night, Vinny met us carrying our official tour uniforms- smocks and hair nets.  Thus suited up, we entered the savory Heinemann’s world of cakes, breads, tortes, kolacky, rolls, pies and cookies.

Overhead was an old conveyor belt- right out of Rube Goldberg’s imagination.- bearing hundreds of freshly-fried doughnuts to be dipped in a chocolate river.

“This is great,” breathed my awestruck brother.  The smile on his face told the rest of the story.

For the next two hours, we were surrounded by gigantic bowls of fudge frosting, king-sized vats of frothy, white, whipped cream, luscious green pistachio frosting and acres of fresh strawberries.  Huge mixing bowls also held fresh apricot glaze and raspberry filling. And we watched in awe as powdered sugar and cinnamon rained down on chosen pastries from giant shakers.

And everywhere we looked, we saw people doing all the bakery work the old-fashioned way- by hand.

They were kneading and stretching and rolling the dough, frosting and decorating with skill and dexterity that bespoke years of experience.

Kenny and I saw men hand-rolling the Cheese Flakie dough and white-haired ladies brushing mountains of strudel with egg wash.  We also looked on as they decorated the birthday cakes with the patience of Job- and the skill of Rembrandt..

The building was filled to the bursting point with racks of piping-hot coffee cakes, cinnamon bread, apple twists, layer cakes, angel food cakes, bagels and strudels destined to be sent that very night all over Chicagoland.

The entire place looked- and smelled- like a cross between Santa’s Workshop and Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.

Vinny was a great host.  He patiently answered all our questions- and there was a surprise for Kenny waiting at the end of the line.

A pistachio cake inscribed in neon green icing “To Our Best Customer.”

But our biggest thrill had to be when Kenny and I got to pack the doughnuts.

It was a scene right out of “Lucy and Ethel at the Candy Factory,” but we had a ball.  And we got to keep what we had packed as a souvenir.

All too soon, our tour was over and we were back in the car heading to our homes.

“Should we?” I asked, eyeing our doughnut packs.

“Why not?” my brother answered gallantly.

I handed him a chocolate-covered doughnut fresh off the line.  I took one myself,

“This is the best doughnut I have ever had,” Kenny said dreamily.

Thanks, Heinemann’s.

You make my life a more luscious place to be.

And to all my friends who celebrate, may this be a very sweet start to the Jewish New Year.

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Posted in food, Memoir, pop culture, Uncategorized | 10 Comments

Check It Out

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A couple of weeks ago, when I flew to Boston, the TSA had a nice little surprise waiting for me on my boarding pass. When I printed it up, I saw that I had been assigned the TSA “Pre-Check.”

Sweet.

It meant (in case you don’t know- and I know that you do) that:

1.  I could cut the long hoi polloi line to check in at O’Hare.

2. I didn’t have to do a Gypsy Rose Lee turn and take anything off before I could clear security.

But on my return homeward trip, I found that the TSA had given- and the TSA had taken away.  I did not receive the pre-check clearance, and so I glumly resigned myself to stripping off my shoes and belt- and anything else- in order to proceed to my gate.

Surprise!  When I walked into Logan Airport, there was an announcement.  No one had to take anything off to get clearance that afternoon.

A cheer went up airport-wide.

Touched By Angel Sidebar:  My flight outward Boston-bound was scheduled for 7:14 a.m. This meant a 6:47 a.m. boarding time, and that meant a 5:00 a.m. departure from my house.

(And all this meant that I got no sleep the night before.)

At five I was rarin’ to go, and so I called my trusty Uber.  The drive to O’Hare through the still-empty Chicago streets was eerie, but surprisingly peaceful and mercifully quick.

As I mentioned, thanks to the gift of the TSA, I breezed through security.  And although my boarding pass said “Gate B20,” I immediately checked the board to confirm that there hadn’t been a last-minute change.

Nope, there it was.  Boston- Gate B20.  And so I leisurely strolled through the airport to hunker down at my gate and do the Friday New York Times crossword.

Boarding time was 6:47, but at 6:35 there was still no gate agent and no equipment.

Uh oh.

“Excuse me. Are you going to Boston?” I asked the gentleman sitting near me.

“No, I’m going to Detroit,” he answered.

UH OH.

I leaped up and checked the board.  There it was- Gate B20.  But then I looked up.  Another earlier Boston flight- Gate B2.

Now I was running through O’Hare.  (Dismissing from my mind all unfortunate images of O.J. Simpson and his Hertz ad, and the unpleasant thought that if I had a heart attack, I’d never get to meet my new grandson.)

As I barreled into the new gate, they were just boarding my section.  I flung myself into the line- edging in ahead of a blonde woman who had dawdled momentarily.

My heart was still racing from my mad dash but I remembered my manners.

“I’m so sorry that I butted in,” I apologized.  “But I was waiting at the wrong gate and I was so afraid that I was going to miss this flight.  And I just can’t.”

The blonde smiled.

“That’s perfectly okay,” she said with the slightest trace of an accent.  “I understand.”

We went up the jetway together and we talked.  And as we laughed and joked about airport nonsense, I was enraptured.  She was really a knockout.  Swedish, I was guessing.

Our seats weren’t together and we made our separate ways to our places.

I didn’t give her another thought.

But, on my return trip, as I was sitting in the gate area checking my email, I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder.  I was startled.  I knew no one at the airport.

It was my beautiful blonde from O’Hare.  And she was in an United Airlines uniform.

“You’re at the right gate this time,” she smiled and reassured me.  And then she drifted away.

The whole thing felt so benevolent and dream-like.  Maybe it was the Dramamine.  Or maybe a celestial being was watching over me to make sure my trip went great.  (And it had.  Charmed from beginning to end.)

Anyhow back to this week…

That little taste of airport freedom made me hungry for more.  And now, I just had to have have it.  A KTN.  (“Known Traveler Number,” if any of you aren’t down with the acronym.)

I went on-line and filled out a TSA Pre-Check form.  Here it is- in case any if you decide to do it.

My nearest center for finger-printing and paying the $85 fee (good for five years) was in the First National Bank Plaza on Madison Street.  They weren’t accepting any appointments for the next forty-five days, but they did say that they would take walk-ins.

I was up for that.  I would have crawled in, if need be.  I wanted that pre-check.  And so armed with my passport and the $85, I made sure I was there on the stroke of ten a.m. (First available time to process walk-ins.)

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As I rode up the first escalator, a guy with an actual ten a.m. appointment rode with me.

“Wow,” he whistled.  “You look great.”

“Thanks,” I said.  “I wanted my most responsible outfit- like in Clueless- when I meet these guys.”

“You do look real responsible,” he concurred.  “But wait a minute, wouldn’t that be exactly the same outfit a terrorist would chose if he didn’t want to look like a terrorist?”

“Shhh!  Don’t say that!  Yeah, and I thought of that, too.  Don’t jinx me.  I really want this thing,” I pleaded.

We walked into the TSA office.  I let him go first, but they actually took us into the the pre-interview together.  And together we handed over our passports and our credit cards.

Then they called his name, and off he went to a second location.

In a few minutes, my name, too, was called, and in I went.  They already had all my info logged onto a computer screen.  I checked it to make sure it was correct, and now it was time for the electronic finger-printing part of the business.

That was the only hard part of the day.  My fingers were too small to fit the pad correctly, and it took three or four times to get them to leave the right impression.

The TSA agent was patient and sweet about it.  I was starting to get nervous.  I could see my KTN disappearing all because I have inadequate printing skills and I was panicking.

“Don’t worry, we”ll get it,” the nice lady assured me.

Finally, all the prints took.  Whew.

“Here’s your receipt and the number to enter in on our website.  It usually takes twenty-one days to process the application, but check on your status in a few days- it’s been running two or three- and see if you’ve got your Known Traveler Number.”

And she smiled and I walked out.

I checked on it today.  And guess what, dear readers?

I got it!

Somewhere a blonde angel is smiling.

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Gimme Shelter

I wanted to write something funny and adorable today.  But Ray Rice wouldn’t let me.

By now, I’m sure you’ve all seen the above video of him delivering a left cross knockout punch to the head of this then-fiancée and now-wife Janay.  (They got married the day after Rice was indicted on a charge of rendering her unconscious.)

Ever since the video tape of him clocking her – and then hauling her body out of the elevator like a leaden sack of potatoes- hit the Internet, a tidal wave of scorn, anger and revulsion has surrounded the N.F.L.

The backlash of indignation has even threatened Roger Goodell’s hallowed and noli me tangere position as commissioner of the N.F.L.  His original two-game, slap-on-the wrist suspension caused outcry from feminists around the world.

Their protests were soon echoed by the sports fans who respect women, the Radisson Hotel chain, (who became the first business to drop their sponsorship of an N.F.L. team) Covergirl Cosmetics, Anheuser-Busch, Rutgers University (Rice’s alma mater), Dick’s Sporting Goods, and the White House.

Of course, all this public disapproval got me thinking.

And I’m jealous.

Yep, jealous of Janay Rice.  You see, I was a victim of what is so euphemistically referred to as “domestic abuse.”  But you can’t see my injuries.

And no one ever did anything to stop it.

Or him.

Maybe it was because the kind of ill-treatment I suffered never left a physical bruise.  And of course, there wasn’t any video of what happened to me.

And I don’t have scars.  (At least not the kind you can see.)

My abuser was a different kettle of fish altogether.  He didn’t wound with his fists or a belt. He did it with indiscriminate cheating, threats of divorce, scorn, contempt, indifference, control. Bullying in every possible way.

Mental abuse so pervasive that it left its victim doubting her own right to exist.

It didn’t end when I left him, either.

Every once in awhile, I catch a glimpse of him laughing and joking and grinning his big, shit-eating grin, and I see he has fooled others into thinking he’s a terrific guy.

I just shake my head.

But it makes me sick- all over again.

Hey, Ray.  I’ve got a guy I’d like you to meet.

(And I know a great elevator where you two can get acquainted.)

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Posted in Divorce, Memoir, pop culture | 8 Comments

Burns Notice

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Tonight, on your local PBS television station, Part One of the documentary, The Roosevelts: An Intimate History debuts.  This episode kicks off a seven night, fourteen hour exploration of the complex lives, times and relationships between three of our country’s most influential citizens- Theodore, Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt.

And it is brought to us by Ken Burns.

Who else?

I was lucky enough to hear him speak last Tuesday night at the Francis Parker School in Chicago. WTTW had brought him to Chicago- and Parker- to preview some clips from this new documentary film and take some Q. and A. from the audience.

How could I pass that up?

And I was not disappointed.  He was terrific.  Poised, assured, witty, self-deprecating, a fabulous speaker who instantly electrified his audience, Ken Burns was exactly what I had expected.

Related to the poet Robert Burns, Kenneth Lauren Burns was born in Brooklyn in 1953 to a  mother who was a bio-technician and a father who was then a student of cultural anthropology at Columbia.  He lost his mother to breast cancer when he was eleven, and he has always felt this tragic event helped shape his career as a documentary film maker.

With his brilliant artistry, Mr. Burns makes “people long-gone come alive again.”

He lives in New Hampshire, and his films like The Civil War, Baseball, Jazz, The Dust Bowl, The National Parks and Prohibition have won everything from Emmys to Grammys to the Peabody Award.

His passion project about the Roosevelts had taken him nine years to bring to fruition. And he was charming, funny and chagrinned about the need to reduce fourteen hours worth of film down to three short clips for our viewing pleasure that night.  He jokingly offered to lock the doors of the auditorium and show us all fourteen hours without bathroom breaks.

The entire audience would have gladly agreed to his offer.  We were his willing slaves from the moment he stepped on the stage.

The three clips whetted my appetite for the main course.  After all, I have been interested in this trio since I was a child.

My own personal fascination with the Roosevelts started with Fala- Franklin Roosevelt’s Scottish Terrier.

Given to him by his cousin, Daisy Suckley, this little black dog captured the nation’s attention and heart- and mine- when, as a dog-crazy kid, I read all about him.

Check out this photo of the FDR memorial.  Fala is the only presidential pet so honored, btw. He outlived his master by seven years and is buried beside him at his home, Springwood, at Hyde Park.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial Statue Night Washington DC

It might have all started with a bark, but this led to my life-long fascination with all things Rooseveltian.  And believe me, it was easy to become engrossed in their dramatic life stories.

Although all three were born to vast privilege and power, they were challenged- and ultimately triumphed- over unbelievable adversity.

ICYMI: Theodore had to overcome debilitating childhood asthma and poor eyesight in his sickly youth.  He painfully built up his physical strength day after dedicated day until he became the robust “locomotive in trousers” that we have come to associate with T.R.

His emotional health was another matter.  In his manhood, he had to bear the pitiful loss of both his beloved wife and adored mother in the same house on the same day– Valentine’s Day, 1884.

The house was so filled with the tragedy that he abandoned his brand-new baby daughter, Alice, on the spot and headed West.  A cowboy- and a legend- was born.

But even after he happily remarried and had more children, the specter of that awful tragedy haunted him and served as a goad and a demon for the rest of Teddy’s unbelievably-productive life.

His fifth cousin, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, from the Hyde Park branch of the family, was another patrician with big ambitions.  A mama’s boy, (his acid-tongued cousin, the aforementioned Alice Roosevelt Longworth, once said his initials “F.D.” stood for “Feather Duster.”) he was emotionally and financially dependent on “Dear Mamma” for most of his adult life.

In 1918, a torrid affair with his wife’s beauteous social secretary, Lucy Mercer, torpedoed his marriage. But Mamma- the imperious Sara Delano Roosevelt- decreed that if Franklin ditched Eleanor, she would withdraw all support from then on.

He stayed, but the marriage was over.  And when infantile paralysis struck him down in 1921, he fought back to walk again.  He never did.  And for the rest of his life, he only walked in his dreams.

But steel braces on his legs had put steel into his spine.  And in 1929- following in his illustrious cousin’s footsteps- he became governor of New York. And then nothing could stop the juggernaut that became our thirty-second president of the United States.

Out of the betrayal and wreckage her marriage had become, the personage we now recognize as “First Lady of the World,” Eleanor Roosevelt Roosevelt was born.

I’ve saved Anna Eleanor Roosevelt for last.  Her life story just might be the most improbable- and inspiring- of the three.

UPDATE:  After watching Part One last night, I have tweaked this section slightly.  It needed it.

Her father, Elliott was T.R.’s beloved younger brother.  As a teen, severe headaches foreshadowed mental problems later to come.  He became erratic, violent and a hopeless drunk.

Eleanor’s beautiful belle of a mother, Anna Hall, died of diphtheria in 1892 .  Her little brother, Elliott, also died of it a year later.

Then, in 1894,  her father died from a seizure following an attack of the d.t.s.

That left “Little Nell” and brother Hall orphaned at an early age.

Not only was her nickname right out of Charles Dickens, so was her ghastly early life.  Left to be raised by her maternal grandmother, she grew up in a dark, cheerless house, haunted by two perpetually-drunken uncles.

She was ignored and frightened.  But her education at Allenwood Academy in London- overseen by the brilliant Marie Souvestre- nurtured both her mind and soul.

In 1905, the “ugly duckling” married her handsome fifth cousin once removed.  (Her uncle T.R. congratulated her on keeping the name in the family. And his presidential presence at their wedding completely upstaged the bride and groom.)

Eleanor was the link between these two men. The favorite niece of one.  The gadfly and conscience of the other.

No three members of any other American family have done more to shape our modern world- and its politics.  Tune in tonight and hear the likes of Peter Coyote, Ed Hermann, Patricia Clarkson and Meryl Streep read their own eloquent words.

Is it any wonder that these three have long-fascinated the world?  Is it any surprise that Ken Burns has dug up never-before-seen photographs and letters in this masterful undertaking?

I’ll be tuned in.  After all, I got a great preview when I spent last Tuesday evening with three national treasures.

Oops, sorry, Mr. Burns.  My bad.

Better make that four.

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Posted in Documentary, History, Television | 21 Comments

The Granny Diaries by Sam Tofias

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Dateline:  Boston.  Hi, all.  This is Sam Tofias, your roving cub reporter.  My assignment this weekend?  To cover the first visit of blogger, Ellen Ross. I nabbed this plum job because the literary scene is part of my beat- and Ellen just happens to be my granny.

So hang on to your fedoras.  Here we go.

Day One.  A welcome party- composed of my mother, Natasha, and my father, Zach and yours truly- was dispatched to pick up Granny when she landed at Logan Airport this past Friday morning.

Truth be told, we were not there to greet her.  The reception committee was a little delayed because yours truly was hungry and having a snack at home.  But my granny was texted by my amanuensis- aka Mom- and all was put right in a trice.

There were hugs all around and big smiles.  That’s what I like to refer to as the “Sam Effect.”  People get a glimpse of two month old me and they break into grins.  But this story is about my granny and her whirlwind visit.

From the airport, we drove her downtown to the heart of Boston.  Newbury Street was très chic and then we strollered on to Commonwealth Avenue.  Btw, my first time on the Commons. The swan boats looked pretty nifty, and the Make Way For The Ducklings sculpture was awesome. Dad found a duckling just my size for me to ride on.

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The weather was steamy, and all that duck rodeoing made me pretty thirsty.  So I paged Mom and we all sashayed into the cool and elegant Loew’s Boston Hotel so I could grab a drink.  Did you know that this hotel used to be Boston’s Police Headquarters?  As the guidebook says, the hotel is a “unique and unforgettable blend of historic charm, urbane sophistication and authentic New England hospitality.”

(And the changing table in the ladies’ room is pretty comfy, too.)

Now that I was all refreshed, I  cordially invited my granny to lunch at the Met Back Bay. Mom likes the burgers there, and Dad and Granny had chopped salads.

After lunch, we strolled around for a while, but the heat and humidity were making me feel less than my best and I decided to call it a day.

Dad took us all back home, and while we talked and laughed and reminisced, Dad made his world famous gazpacho.

Then my Boston grandparents- Bruce and Debbie- came by to see Granny and me. They stayed for dinner and I heard them all raving about Dad’s soup.  Here’s the recipe, all you foodies.

I can’t wait to try it myself.  (Although I overheard my mom telling my granny that I’m on a lactose-tolerant diet for a year.  That’s what all the best babies are eating these days.)

Sorry I can’t fill you in on the rest of the night.  I had a hot date with my pillow and I bid them all a fond good night.

And so to bed.

Saturday morning, I was up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and anxious to show off my home town.  I had already had a dee-lish breakfast chez nous, and so we made a dash to Zaftig’s, a deli to die for.  And then it was on to the mall for shopping.  (Already one of my favorite activities.)

While Dad made a beeline for Banana Republic (something about buying pants for conference calls from his home office?) Mom, Granny and I went to the Gap.  Mom tried on clothes while Granny and I danced to The Talking Heads’ Life During Wartime. Awesome song, btw.  Check it out.

And then it was time for Baby Gap.  Granny returned a hat that she bought at Gap in Chicago.  Too small.  (My head is large due to all the deep, brilliant thinking I do.) Then she picked up a cool football jersey and Mom decided I needed khakis for some up-c0ming social events.

I left the shop and I must admit I was stylin.’

The weather continued very hot and muggy so I decreed an auto tour was in order. Granny had never seen Walden Pond- except in her imagination- so we headed there.

Then it was tally ho to Concord.  The grown ups in my retinue went gaga for The Cheese Shop.  They bought a picnic for dinner at home – enough cheese, batards, charcuterie and cornichons to feed an army of Minutemen.  Just take a gander at some of the yummy comestibles they carry right here.

Then it was time for me to head home.  All that fresh air and free-associating about transcendentalism brought on by shades of Emerson and Thoreau made me drowsy.  (Oh, on the way out of Concord, Mom pointed out Louisa May Alcott’s house to Granny.  First time either of us had ever seen it.)

Dinner at my house and then it was lights out for yours truly.  I was tuckered out from all the driving and sight-seeing.

Sunday morning was leisurely.  Dad and I perambulated about the ‘hood, and Mom and Granny went to Weston to buy bagels.  Then at-home activities.  Granny had brought my mother’s very own baby book and we were quite interested in comparing my weight and height stats with hers.  I’m bigger!

Here’s a shot of us three.  (Photo courtesy of Granny.  Baby blanket courtesy of my Granny’s mom, my great-granny.  It’s sixty years old, btw.)

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Then Granny “interviewed” Mom and Dad and she jump-started my baby book.  Lots more fascinating info/data to be recorded about your roving reporter, but there’s plenty of time for all that.

Before we knew it, it was time to start thinking about the airport.  We piled into the car and headed for lunch at Santarpio’s on Chelsea Street for pizza.  My granny- being from Chicago- is a ‘za maven, and she swooned for the house-made sausage appetizer.

Santarpio’s is right next to Logan, and after lunch we dropped my Granny off.  More hugs and kisses and then, just as fast as she had arrived, she was gone.

But she promised to send me a cool stuffed zebra when she gets home. I can honestly report that a good time was had by all.

And now, my eyelids are getting pretty heavy and you’ll have to excuse me.  I feel a nap coming on.

That’s it for my special report from Boston.  I now turn it over to my granny.

Thanks, Sam.  I had a wonderful time in Boston but I can’t help noticing the date of this post.  Every one remembers what they were doing thirteen years ago today.

We all bore witness to acts of terrorism, cowardice, courage, sacrifice, and bravery. We shall never forget what happened in New York City- and to all of us- on September 11, 2001.

I hope that the world that Sam lives in will be a better, safer, more tolerant place.  And who knows?  Maybe he will be part of the universal citizenry who will help make it so.

This is my prayer for my grandchild- and all of yours.

God bless us everyone.

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Posted in Cooking, Grandparents, Memoir, pop culture | 20 Comments

(No) Sex And The City – Part Quatre “Baby Steps”

Baby cookies

Before the curtain rises, a quick word from our sponsor.

Letter From Elba will not be in your mailbox this coming Sunday, September 7.  To celebrate National Grandparents Day, I will be in Boston with my grandson, Sam.  There will be a new post awaiting you all on Thursday, September 11.

And now, let the play begin.

The Cast:  Charlotte, Miranda and Carrie.  All BFF’s

The Time: 12:30 p.m.

The Place:  Charlotte’s chic living room.

The ensemble meets.  Air kisses all around.

Charlotte (sweetly): Carrie!  My God!  You look so old.  Still with the gray hair?  What are you trying to prove?  Miranda, dear.  Lovely to see you.  Perfect- as always.

Miranda (speaking into her iPhone):  I’ll have to call you back, babe.  I’m actually meeting IRL with Charlotte and Carrie.  Later, gator.  Hello, girls.  Charlotte, you look fabulous. Uh, Carrie…not so much.  Did you gain weight?

Carrie:  Well, two pounds.  I admit it.  But I just got back from from Eagle River and…

Charlotte (sweetly):  I know.  They serve fourteen meals a day there.  Spare us the horrific details.  In that case, I know you’ll be only to happy to hear that today, no lunch is served. I’m on a cleanse.

Miranda:  Works for me.  Do you have a celery stick or a cherry tomato I could snack on? I’m good.

Carrie:  Well, I do need to lose all this post camp weight.  I’ll just have a Seagram’s Diet Ginger Ale, please.

Charlotte (sweetly):  I wouldn’t have that swill in my house.  Prosecco or San Pellegrino?

Miranda (pulling an iPad and a can of Diet Coke out of her bag):  I’m covered.  And now, hold on a sec while I check on this thing.  It won’t list my “sent” emails.  I was up ’til midnight last night trying to fix it.  Can I have absolute silence, please?

Charlotte (sweetly):  No, you may not.  This isn’t the Genius Bar at the Apple Store. I’ve convened this meeting to discuss plans for Mimsy Farrington’s baby shower.  Let’s first decide on a date, shall we.  Get out your books, ladies.  Alright, how does Saturday, November fifteen look for all of you?

Miranda:  No good.  I’m going to be in Naples.

Charlotte (sweetly):  That old people’s home with sand traps?  What do you do down there? I’ve always been curious.

Miranda (not looking up from her iPad):  I play some golf and I lie in the sun.  It’s relaxing.  Now why doesn’t this thing show my sent emails?

Charlotte (sweetly):  “Lie in the sun?”  I don’t know you.  I don’t know who you are. Alright, November fifteenth is off the books.  How does Saturday, December six look?

Miranda (texting furiously on her iPhone):  Works for me.

Carrie:  Gosh, that’s Snowmass Mountain’s opening week.  I was planning to kick off ski season and…

Charlotte (sweetly):  Oh dear lord, enough with that skiing already.  Aren’t you too old or too crippled or something to continue that juvenile activity?  Cancel it.  You have better things to do. Fine.  So that’s settled.  December six it is.  Now venues?  How many guests do you think?

Miranda:  Well, there will be Mimsy’s friends, all her mother Bootsie’s cronies, and we can’t forget their country club friends and Nantucket friends and Mimsy’s Junior League group and all her old bridesmaids.

Charlotte (sweetly):  Only too true, dear.  So a conservative estimate puts it at 250. Ideas here?  Such a pity the Shriner’s Auditorium had been repurposed.  And Navy Pier is unsightly in the wintertime.  I know.  Vapiano.

Carrie:  What’s that?

Charlotte (sweetly):  If you’d stop writing that inane blog of yours and actually get out once in awhile, you’d know that it opened in the old Carson Pirie Scott building.  It can easily hold us all.

Miranda (not looking up from her Macbook Air):  Ix-nay on that joint.  I like the Pittsfield.

Carrie: I’ve never heard of it.

Charlotte (sweetly):  I rest my case  You live under a rock.  It’s on Jeweler’s Row and it’s perfect.  Atrium, Art Deco, two stunning balconies.  Done.  I’ll contact them immediately. Decor?

Miranda (binge-watching True Detective on her Macbook):  Mimsy’s having a boy. Bootsie was sworn to secrecy, but she told her colorist who told my manicurist who told me.

Carrie:  A boy.  How nice.

Charlotte (sweetly):  Don’t be absurd.  Boys aren’t that fabulous.  The clothes aren’t nearly as adorable.  Oh well, if that what’s she’s having, I’ll have to make the best of it.  Color scheme?

Carrie:  Blue, of course.

Charlotte (sweetly):  I know that, Carrie dear.  I meant what hue?

Miranda (eyes glued to the screen) :  This was so great.  Matthew McConaughey got robbed at the Emmys.  Color blue?  Well, teal and aqua seem too summery for a December date. What about sapphire or indigo?

Charlotte (sweetly):  Too bold, Miranda.  I’m thinking “Tiffany.”  There, that’s settled. Menu?

Carrie:  Gosh, can I be in charge of that?

Charlotte (sweetly):  Certainly not.  You’d undoubtedly pick something ludicrous- like sliders or chicken salad.  Out of the question.  I will speak with the caterers.  Perhaps a kale juice bar.  Flowers?

Carrie:  I’ve got the greatest florist.  I’ll just call him and…

Charlotte (sweetly):  Nooo.  I don’t think so.  The last time we let your florist do an event, I believe he actually used flowers in the centerpieces. No imagination at all. I’ll contact Oswaldo.  He never uses flowers.  Well, that about covers it, I think. Questions?

Carrie:  Gosh, Charlotte, why did you want me here today?

Miranda (speaking into her phone):  Hold on again, babe.  Yeah, Charlotte, why exactly did you drag us out here?  And tell me quick.  I have to get back and walk Brunhilde.

Charlotte (sweetly):  What are you both whining about?  Don’t you realize that I gave up valuable time when I should be monitoring the Boko Haram assault in Nigeria?   Not to mention giving my full support to NATO re the Ukraine situation.  Instead, I  was forced to divert my attention to this.  Checkbooks, darlings, checkbooks.  Just leave me two blank checks- signed of course- on the way out.  That will be all.

The curtain falls as Miranda impatiently rips out a check from her book and Carrie looks slightly queasy.

Fin

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Radio Days

Microphone on stage with spotlight on red curtain

Not much to do today, dear readers.  In honor of Labor Day, I’m taking it easy.  This post is going to feature another kind of media altogether.

This past Monday, I joined the ranks of Bob Hope, Fred Allen, Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy.

I was on the radio.

San Diego’s Steve Wolff and Catherine Magaña, financial planners and managing partners from Savvy Woman Wealth Management, asked me to do a guest spot on their radio show.

The broadcast was divided into four parts.  The first segment was some introductory banter between Steve and Catherine viv-a-vis their recent trips to Del Mar Racetrack.

The second fifteen minute segment was Part One of my interview.  This section deals with my bio and Letter From Elba its inception, inspiration, you know, the creative stuff.

After a commercial break, (where there is a serendipitous advertisement for a divorce coach) Part Two of the interview airs.  This dealt with the thorny topic of me and my money management.  AKA “The (Nest) Egg and I.”

Long-time readers of this blog, have no fear.  It’s much more a primer in what not to do when you abandon the sinking ship of bad matrimony.  A cautionary tale of sorts.

The final part of the broadcast is an interview with Lupe Hairston, a gal who runs a San Diego window-washing business.

(You might want to skip me altogether and just listen to Lupe.  She sounded pretty resourceful.)

So if you’re lazing around just chillaxing this holiday, take a listen on the link below.

And thanks for the memories, Steve and Catherine.

Happy end of summer, everyone.

Here’s the link if you want to listen in.

And now, please lend your ears to the most famous comedy bit in all of radio.

Happy Labor Day, friends.

See you in September.

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Posted in pop culture, Radio podcast | 12 Comments