“Pup Fiction” by Ellen Taratino

This post is dedicated to BR.  He knows why.

I don’t know about you guys but I LOVE the movie Pulp Fiction.  It came out in 1994 and to me, it’s still Quentin Tarantino’s masterpiece.  Sly, funny, violent, quirky, filled with great performances, memorable lines and and terrific music, this movie really stands the test of time.  Take a look.

I’ve seen it a lot and one day, it struck me that the entire movie could be reenacted with dogs.

(Don’t ask me why.  Better not delve too deeply into the dark abyss known as the “creative process.”)

Look what happens when you do.

So without further ado, I proudly present to you, Dear Readers, the mini play-

Pup Fiction

Cast of Characters:

Dakota, a golden retriever and leader of the pack

Trixie, a fancy miniature black Poodle and Dakota’s main squeeze

Wolf, a German Shepherd and Dakota’s aide-de-camp

Butch, a Boxer

Vincent and Jules, two tough mongrels in Dakota’s wolf pack

7:50 a.m. The Wake-Up Call

JULES: So tell me.  What is the word for Liva-snaps in French?

VINCENT: Les Liva-snap.  And they call Milk Bone for Large Dogs “Le Bon Bon Classique.”

JULES:  I like that, man.  Now are you sure these cats have the boss’s brief case?  How many of them are there?

VINCENT: Five or six.  But there ain’t a cat alive who can get the jump on me.  Beside, you know what will happen if we don’t bring it back.  I heard about this one pooch.  Arno.  He tried rubbing noses with Trixie- that fine looking bitch that lives with Dakota.  They were just rubbing noses and…

JULES:  What, man?

VINCENT:  Dakota caught up to him at the Doggie Diner, grabbed Arno by the scruff of his neck and threw him out the window.  Dog catcher was waiting for him.  And since Arno don’t wear no tags, dog catcher went medieval on his sorry doggy ass.  Now Arno just sits around all day and howls.  Mutts don’t mess with Dakota.  Let’s go.

Fadeout

11:30 a.m.  Butch Is A Bad Dog

DAKOTA:  You throw the dog show tonight.  You don’t come in number one.  Got that?

BUTCH:  I got it.

DAKOTA:  Repeat it for me.

BUTCH:  I throw the dog show tonight.  I don’t come in number one.  Now where are my treats?

DAKOTA:  In this Bonz box.  Now get going.  And when you’re layin’ around a cozy fireplace enjoyin’ your life of ease, you’ll thank your Uncle Dakota for this.  Hey, Jules, Vincent, my main mutts!  How did it go?

JULES:  Here’s the briefcase, Dakota.  Boss, I’m getting out.

DAKOTA:  Say what?  Speak!

JULES: Yes, this mongrel is through.  I’m tired of being a bad dog.  Come tomorrow I’m turning myself in at that school for the Blind and becomin’ a guide dog.

DAKOTA:  That leaves you, Vincent..  I have to go to a dog show tonight so I want you should take Trixie out.  Show her a good time.  She’ll be waiting in my yard at 7:30.

Fadeout

8 p.m. The Trixie Incident 

VINCENT:  Get a load of this place!  Isn’t that Lassie over there?  And Tiger from The Brady Bunch?  I can’t believe this!  The maitre d’ looks just like Tramp from My Three Sons.  Far out.

TRIXIE:  Très amusant.  This way, cheri.  I’ve reserved the booth next to the fire hydrant.  You know, Vincent, you are a very handsome hound.  Want to rub noses?

VINCENT:  Naw.  I heard that Arno is still howlin’ off key.

TRIXIE:  That old rumor?  Don’t believe it.  Oh, it’s time for the Dance Contest.  They’re playing “How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?”  Let’s dance.  And remember, cheri. I want to win.

Fadeout

8:30 a.m. Reservoir Dogs

VINCENT: Man, I got cat gut all over me.  You’re some sight, too.  We can’t go to Dakota lookin’ like this.

JULES: Let’s go to Wolf’s kennel.  He’s top dog in this neighborhood.

WOLF:  Excuse me, but do you see a “Dog Wash” sign?  Did anyone see you come in here?

JULES:  No, man.  We cool.

WOLF:  Okay, just do like I’m tellin’ ya, and I’ll have you both lookin’ well-groomed in no time.

VINCENT:  Hey, this ain’t no stinkin’ obedience school.  Don’t give me orders.

WOLF:  Listen, I don’t have time to waste on mongrels who are dumb enough to run around covered in cat gut.

VINCENT:  Sorry, man.  I’d just like a little respect here.

WOLF:  I’ll keep it in mind, puppy.  Go to the end of the block.  You’ll find an open fire hydrant.  Run through it.

JULES:  Thanks, brother.  Woof.

Fadeout

On second thought, take a look at how the Best-In-Show at Westminster does it.

Woof.