Talk To Me

The New York Times proclaimed it. “Pass the Word. The Phone Call Is Back” trumpeted the headline of the Sunday Business section a couple of weeks ago. That’s swell and it must be true, because all kinds of guys have been calling me up and asking me out.

All the wrong kind.

Some who are just bored, some who are just lonely or some who are just married.  (Some who are all three.)  Some who are egomaniacs and want to be entertained.  Some who are too old for me.

And then there was this guy.

Not long ago, this man called and asked me for a date.  He had been given my number by a mutual (man) friend who had asked my permission to dole out my digits.

(Back in May.)

I said ok.  Hell, I’m game, right?  And it was just before my disastrous blind date taught me a lesson.   (Click on “Date Night” if you missed that tragic comedy.)

Here’s exactly what happened…

He:  Hello, Ellen?  You don’t know me…

Me:  Oh, hi.  I know who you are.  You’re Tom’s* friend. (*Name change to protect the innocent go-between.)

He:  So tell me about yourself.

Me: (I HATE this question, btw.  You guys have been reading my blog for two years. Where  exactly would you start if you were me?  Deep cleansing breath.)  I’m a writer.  I write a blog twice a week.  And I’ve just moved back to Chicago.  I lived in Aspen for seventeen years.

He:  You must be some skier!

Me:  No, I’m not.  But I love it.

He:  I love it, too.  I’ve been out there a couple of times.  I’ve skied Aspen and Snowmass and Vail and Whistler.

Me: (enthusiastically)  If there is one thing I lOVE, it’s a fellow skier.

He:  But I don’t do it any more.  I’ve given it up.  Just too old for it, I guess.

Me: (Now I’ve stopped listening.  This guy’s been on the phone with me for exactly one minute and he’s already mentioned the words “too old.”  I’m outta there mentally.)  Um, what do you like to do for fun now?  Do you like crossword puzzles by any chance?

He:  No, I don’t play games of any kind.  No chess, no puzzles, no cards.  Nothing.  Do you like them?

Me:  Well, I used to love doing them, but now I’m making them and that’s even more fun. (So ok, no skiing, no games… this is finished before it’s started.)

He:  I like movies.

Me  (This perks me up again.):  Oh, good, I like movies too and..

He:  Woody Allen movies.

Me:  Oh, no.  I can’t stand him.  I stopped watching him after Manhattan.  His relationship with Mariel Hemingway in that movie was so creepy.  I liked him much better when he dated Diane Keaton in Annie Hall.  And he’s not funny any more.  Just an old, narcissistic pedophile.

He:  Well, I love him and a new movie of his is opening this weekend.  Would you like to see it?

Me:  That got creamed by the New York Times on Twitter yesterday.  It’s supposed to stink.  No thanks.

He:  Oh, I don’t trust the Internet.  And I hate social media, too.  So many nay-sayers.

Me: (heart sinking even lower than before)  Everything I do is made possible by the Internet.  It’s the future of journalism.  Just today I was read in Spain, Japan, and Italy. It thrills me to know that people can read me all over the world.

He:  Well, that’s nice, I guess.  And I have to confess.  I’ve actually read one of your posts. Tom sent it to me.

Me:  (brightening up a bit)  Oh, yeah?  Which one?

He:  I don’t remember.  I think it was about… motorcycles, maybe?

Me: (baffled)  I don’t think I’ve ever written about motorcycles.  Maybe cars?  And by the way, do you like cars?  I love them.

He:  Material possessions mean nothing to me.  Have you ever heard of Warren Buffet?

Me:  Yes.

He:  Well, he has four kids, he never remarried and he has left his kids very little.  He didn’t want to ruin them with riches.  I like that.

Me:  He has three kids- one daughter and two sons- and he remarried a long time ago,. He married a woman that his wife Susie fixed him up with when she went off to San Francisco with the man she was romantically involved with.  Her trust left her kids very well-taken care of.  Plus, he has reassessed his opinion of his children and they’re all in charge of huge trusts.  They’re well-provided for.  You don’t have to have a tag day for the Buffet kids.

He: (suspiciously- and a little startled)  How do you know this?

Me:  I’ve seen him interviewed by Charlie Rose a lot and I read The Snowball.  You know, that great biography that he cooperated on.  It’s the go-to book on Buffet.

He:  Well, let’s not waste the night at the movies.  Let’s go somewhere we can talk.

Me:  Ok. Let’s eat something.

He:  Good idea.  Where do you like to go?

Me:  ( I LOVE this question.  It’s so nice – and generous- when a guy offers to take you some place that you like.)  Me?  I eat anything but sushi and Greek.  You pick.

He:  No, you name it.  Sure, name it.

Me:  Well, are you sure you’d like to go to a place that I pick?  Well, I like Joe’s, Gibsons, Hugo’s, Bavette’s, Luxbar…

He:  I don’t eat meat.  I’m a vegetarian.

Me:  (Thinking OMG.  Another mishegoss. Joe’s doesn’t have seafood?  Or Hugos’s? What the hell is wrong with this guy?  I am still trying to come up with a restaurant when he asks another question.)

He:  What are you looking for in a man?

Me:  Chemistry.  Passion.  That certain something.  How about you?

Him: That’s all behind me now.  I’m only looking for a companionship.

Me:  Hang up now and get a dog.

HE:  That’s really cute.  Tom was right.  You are some kidder.

Me:  I’m not kidding.  I’m never going out with you.  What kind of man would actually say that he isn’t interested in passion?  Good bye.

Click.

The phone call may be alive and kicking but that one was deader than the rotary dial.

Hey, Mr. Right.

Text me.

NOTE: For some reason, this clip is not playing on an Ipad.  It will play on a computer or a phone.  I have NO clue as to why.  My bad.