While reading the Sunday New York Times travel magazine supplement recently, I came across an article about Tokyo called “Fixated.” If you missed it, let me bring you up to speed.
Because Tokyo is so enormous and overwhelming, as a coping mechanism and counterpoint, there is a trendy, hip phenomenon the reporter wrote about called “hyper-specialization.”
In other words, there are bars, restaurants, stores, and museums devoted with single-minded obsession to one person, place, or thing- “the insane enthusiams of Tokyo’s small business owners.” And they’re big hits!
Hmmm. I’m insane. I have enthusiasms. Why can’t I move to Japan and open up Ellen-centric bars, restaurants, stores, and museums?
Take a look at my business plan:
The first shop I would open in Tokyo is called “Farewell, My Lovely.”
It would sell menus and matchbooks from long-closed Chicago restaurants. Featured in the inventory would be cartes du jour and souvenir ash trays from Fritzel’s, Febo, Miller’s, La Cheminee, The Gold Lion, Indian Trail, The Blackhawk, Cricket’s, Four Torches, Maxim’s, Mel Markon’s, Sage’s East, My Favorite Inn, Tango, The Golden Ox, Abacus, Mike Fish, L’Epuisette, Kungsholm, La Milanese, Al Farber’s, Eli’s The Place for Steak, The Cart, Glass Dome Hickory Pit, Chez Paul, Agostino’s, and Como Inn.
Wouldn’t you shop there?
I would open a mystery book store called “The Spy Who Came in From The Cold.” It would only sell copies of The Night Manager by John le Carre. I am obsessed with this novel- as I know millions of you are. Why waste precious retail space stocking any other title?
How about a quick peek inside my music store “Tune Up?” There you’d be able to download memorable hit songs like “Peanuts” by Little Joe and The Thrillers, “Mother-In-Law” by Ernie K. Doe, “Yakety Yak” by The Coasters, and “Do Wah Diddy”- the Steve Gersten cover version only.
A big city like Tokyo can’t have too many walk-in nail salons. Mine would be called “That’s a Wrap.” What gal wouldn’t want a mani/pedi administered by Bulgarian-speaking fem-bots and featuring the latest, sickest OPI Goth colors like “Manic-Depressive,” “Bankrupt,” “Restraining Order,” and “My Trial Was Fixed”?
You can then have a drink in my latest Ellen-centric Bar, “Straw.” It would only serve Nedlog orange and Green River. I get thirsty just thinking about it.
And now, I’m getting hungry, too.
Let me proudly lead the way to “Mary’s Cupboard on the Ginza.” It’s a tribute restaurant. Yes, that’s right, a full-scale, authentic reproduction of our beloved Winnetka favorite. I went to an auction and purchased the three-section tan plastic plates, the rotisserie spits to hold the bbq chickens in the window, and the fliptop containers for pickle relish.
Naturally, I spent tons of yen and finally got the guy to open the vault and give me the cole slaw recipe that he’s had locked up in there since 1970. And we’d hand out Blackjack gum when you paid the check.
We’re taking reservations by email now. Just visit our website at www.bbqsaucegivesmeaheadache.com.
On the cultural side of Tokyo, I would underwrite “The Ramis Museum”- a tribute to the acting genius of Harold Ramis. Yes, yes, I know. He’s better-known for his work as a brilliant screenwriter and director of such hits Analyze This and Caddyshack.
But in Ellen-world, he’s revered as a god for his acting.
I would have a loop of clips of his Egon in Ghostbusters (“I collect mold, spores and fungus.”), Knocked Up (“No pills, no powders…”), As Good as It Gets ( He was “the gift.”) and Groundhog Day. The man deserves a regular Oscar, an honorary Oscar, and the Jean Hersholt Award, and I’m going to see that he gets the respect his acting chops are due.
And because I am such a devotee of their handbags, I would debut a store that featured nothing but the finest scarves, clothes, jewelry, and leatherwork by the artist, Hermes. Oh wait, that’s “Hermes.” Forget that concept.
My Tokyo movie five-screen theaterplex, “Arigatwoontheaisle”, would devote each theater to constantly showing The Hangover, Tropic Thunder, Office Space, Role Models, and Sabrina. Perfect.
And if BBQ isn’t your thing, step right up to my other restaurant, “Rossburger.” I came up with the menu myself. These babies are thin sirloin patties, griddle-cooked, and served with catsup, mustard, relish, and grilled and raw onion, only. No substitutions of any kind will be made. EVER.
Apres dinner, why not stop by for a nightcap at my retro chic bar “Men Who Live On Boats”? This bar’s theme is dedicated to the tv shows of the sixties in which men lived on boats. Always playing on giant flat screens will be reruns of Surfside Six, Adventures in Paradise, and It’s a Man’s World.
Or you could stroll over to my trendy bistro, “Patternless,” where to the soothing soundtrack of the disembodied voices of Alan Rickman and Jeremy Irons reciting Tom Stoppard plays, you can play with “rental” Scotties and do the Friday and Saturday New York Times crossword puzzles.
What a perfect way to end an evening. I think you’d all agree. And I know it would all make sense- and big bucks- there.
I mean it’s Tokyo, Jake, Tokyo.
