…So my second husband was from Baltimore and he was a marksman. I have already written how he saved my life when we were car-jacked at gunpoint in New Orleans (ICYMI: Read this.)
As I said in that post, he was very comfortable with firearms. This trait had really paid off when we were attacked in New Orleans but after we got married and moved to a farmhouse in Reisterstown, Maryland, he took to keeping his Winchester rifle in my bedroom closet.
It was kept in my closet because it was long and fit in nicely behind my long skirts and dresses.
I never touched it. Even though he swore that it wasn’t loaded. Just the thought of it gave me the creeps.
I asked him to remove it year after year.
And year after year he said no.
So it just sat there.
Which brings us to a Saturday night in December, 1973.
Lord Baltimore suddenly announced that he was going to a Christmas Party thrown by some customers. It was going to be strictly business and spouses were not invited. He was only going to drop in for one glass of Christmas cheer for the sake of good customer relations. He’d be home by nine p.m. or so.
Ok.
So he dolled himself up. He was a clotheshorse. One of the very first guys to wear Ralph Lauren ties that he bought at the legendary Britches in Georgetown.
Then he left.
I read.
Then I watched some television. These were my two biggies back then.
Around eleven p.m. the tv was shut off.
No husband.
By midnight I was concerned.
By one a.m. I was downright worried.
By two a.m. I was frantic.
By three a.m. I was pissed.
There was no one to call. No cell phones of course, and I hadn’t quite caught the name of the restaurant or the hosts.
At TEN THE NEXT MORNING, Lord Baltimore came sauntering in.
Smiling, sheepish, casual, looking for all the world like a naughty schoolboy who had just gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
“Where were you?” I asked. I was not smiling.
“Well, you see it was the Tom and Jerrys that did me in, Hon.”
(In case you don’t know it, find recipe here.)
“I guess I must have had more than I could handle because they kind of snuck up on me and the next thing I knew I was asleep on a couch and…”
“Where were you?”
“Honest. Swear to God. He must have made those drinks so strong that I must have passed out. I didn’t want to waste one minute phoning you so I just jumped into my car and…”
“Where were you?”
He gave me the same Tom and Jerry story. This was getting us nowhere.
I went to my closet and pulled out the Winchester. I was shaking with rage and the gun barrel was shaking right along with me. I pointed it right at him.
“Now. Where. Were. You?”
That wiped the grin off his face.
Suddenly he was quiet, sober and serious. Even his posture changed as he straightened up.
“Now, Ellen, put the gun down. I’m sorry I didn’t call you. I’m sorry that I was late.”
“Late? You passed ‘late’ somewhere around midnight. Where were you?”
“Put down the gun, Honey. I’ll tell you all about it. Please, just put the gun down. Please.”
He got rid of the gun the very next day.
So Melania, the next time that you catch your lying, cheating husband in another outrageous lie, I suggest you do the same to him.
He’ll get rid of the guns pronto.
Ellen — If only it was so easy. You have no idea how much I wish Mrs. Trump read your blog. I’d like to say that I can always Hope, but I think she just resigned.
Thanks, Jack. Of course, I’m only tongue in cheek about our horrific gun problem, but as you say, one can hope. (Hicks.) Thanks for being an early bird this morning.
And if you continue having a problem with the tongue that’s stuck in your cheek, which apparently is causing Hicks-ups, I’d recommend a little Johnny Walker on the rocks followed by the breakfast I recommended the last time. Walker Bros. has very good corned beef hash. Now I need a nap.
Very punny and great free association, Jack. And go back to bed. I’m still asleep. And yes, I couldn’t agree more. Walker Brothers hash rocks. Yum.
I remember a lot about Baltimore days. Rifled thru my mind but this had escaped me. Yikes!!!
I probably never told you. Not proud that I pulled a gun on anyone.
Just wondering…did you say the same thing to Hillary when HER lying, cheating husband was caught lying and cheating? My memory says that a lot of the people who are outraged about Trump’s behavior were completely silent when Bill Clinton did the same thing, except to say Clinton’s misbehavior was just about sex.
Sorry your husband was a jerk, and I’m glad you scared the crap out of him, but when it comes to our politicians, we need to have an equal standard or there is no credibility on either side. Their behavior is either right or wrong no matter which side of the aisle one’s under developed rear end sits.
Bingo, Steve!!
It was the jerks like JFK, Ted Kennedy (who couldn’t get a designated driver to take him and Mary Jo home), Slick Willie, other leftists (the main stream media) and Hollywood phonies that set the bar and surrounded the wagons.
We were told all through the 90’s “It’s only sex. Your personal life has nothing to do with job performance”.
All of a sudden, they “care”.
Just a bunch of phonies!
This is a hot button issue with me, Bernie. Cheating is a character flaw. Down with all cheating pols- no matter what their party.
That’s not so much the issue with me. That’s a given.
It’s the double standard, hypocracy and all of a sudden “caring” the left is showing.
Time and time again, the phoniness of the left keeps rearing its ugly head.
I couldn’t agree more about Bill Clinton. And I thought it was disgrace that Hillary turned a blind eye. Or worse defended him against his accusers. Shame on both of them.
I agree with Steve Wolff….seems there has been a double standard over the years. And just to add a little more fuel to the fire….cheating is a two-way street….a lot of these women loved the idea of bedding a person of power…kind of like a notch on their gun handle ….enough said.
I hear you, Steve. And yes, there are pigs in both sexes.
I want to address how brave you, the undaunting Ellen, were to have confronted your “tardy” husband in the way that you did. And the courage that you have shown in getting on with your life by reinvention is something to behold. My Ex 👿🤬, better known as Satan, was my only.
Thanks, Annie. I think this is a orrery good argument to keep guns out of the hands of practically everyone. If there’s a gun around, sooner or later it going to get used. Better to ban ‘em.
Btw, condolences on Satan- but good name! 😊
Ban guns?
You mean the way Germany banned them in the 30’s?
How are you going to ban guns? You’re going to take them from the criminals?
Funny, 17 people get killed in a middle class, mostly White neighborhood in Florida and suddenly the phony libs want to ban guns.
At least a half dozen kids get killed on The South Side of Chicago every week and nary a peep. Talk about “racism”!
If you can guarantee that EVERYONE, including Hollywood security guards, politicians and high profile athletes and their guards will be disarmed, I’ll go for it.
How about banning automobiles? Driving drunk is against the law, but people still drive drunk and kill….no, murder 11,000 people a year!
Finally, are you going to send someone from the government to my house and take my gun?
I’m coming to get them myself, Bernie. Look out! 😊
If you go to Englewood and South Shore and take their’s, I’ll GIVE you mine!
Omg! 😮 Bernie!
What a story Annie Oakley!
Thanks, my friend! 😊