Author’s Note: The following is not meant for any of the terrific men who subscribe to Letter From Elba. You’re the best, guys, and I’m grateful for your support and your comments. This post is aimed at a much larger audience on the Internet. So please don’t take it personally. Thanks.
As some of you may know, I was involved in an ugly “cyberstalking” incident recently on Facebook. Some random guy went from nice and appropriate in his comments, to overly-complimentary, and then kind of inappropriate, and then suddenly… rude, crude, threatening and violent to other members of the group.
And he was married, no less.
Sigh.
If it’s never happened to you, consider yourself lucky.
It’s a violation. There is no other word. You’re blithely cruising along, posting something innocent and non-controversial in the safety and privacy of your home or work place, and you’re reading garden variety comments, and then suddenly…
BAM!
Some jackass now posts something that is so perverted, or obscene, or threatening that it brings you up short.
It’s right in your face. and it makes you feel sick
True, it’s a shock. But it’s the occupational hazard of the cyber world in which we blog today.
Any woman who puts anything out on the Internet opens herself up to stalkers, bullies, weirdos, nut jobs, and lonely married men looking for a little virtual action.
This is my letter to the ones who get in touch with me.
Hey, guys, I want to make something perfectly clear.
I am on to you. And boy, am I NOT interested in anything you think you have to sell.
You are all alike. You start out pretty harmless- a few nice comments or a “friend” request on Facebook. (You always assure me that you know a friend of mine and you’re not a stalker, LOL.)
LOL.***
***You always “LOL” yourselves. Hey, buy a clue. You’re not that funny. LOL.
You have really nice things to say about my writing and/or the blog. It usually goes, “You’re so clever. I really enjoy your work.”
And you sign up.
That’s fine, but then…
Inevitably, the messages start to get personal. You segue quickly from my writing ability to the way I look.
“You’re beautiful…blah blah…You’re so slender…blah blah…Boy, you’re sexy.”
Crap like that.
You’ve gone from compliments to smarmy flattery in a heartbeat.
ICYMI: The Difference Between Compliments and Flattery. Compliments are kind, heartfelt comments that 1. Should be true 2. Should be geared to make the person you’re complimenting feel good about themselves.
Flattery always has a subtext. It’s over the top, and guaranteed to further your agenda- whatever that it. (It’s also really creepy when the person commenting on your looks has never met you.)
Celebrity Empathy Sidebar: I have always had my photograph in the paper and I know a little about what it’s like to have strangers project stuff onto you based solely on your picture.
My heart goes out to the truly famous who have to deal with this objectification on a daily basis.
It’s nice when someone you like and respect admires you.
It’s goose-pimply and a little repugnant when some stranger tells you that you turn him on.
I’m not that hot, guys. Get over yourselves.
And before you think I’m stuck up, let me be clear.
The men who get in touch with me with a “Let’s run this up the sexual flagpole and see who salutes” attitude are not driven to distraction by my looks.
This is ALL about them- not me. I am just an easy mark- a divorced woman whom they happen to “meet” on the Internet. And you can bet that I am not the first woman they have tried it on with.
Nor will I be the last.
Guys like this trawl the Internet looking for targets of opportunity. And when I won’t play ball, they always stop reading the blog.
Gee, what happened to the clever writing you liked so much?
Now this might be the time to say that I have many married men readers. They are smart and genuinely interested and nobody is trying to get me to come away with them to the Casbah.
But every once in awhile, some joker shows up online with something other than my writing skills on his dirty little mind.
He has usually completely forgotten about the wife at home, btw. There is never a mention of her- as he contacts me from his workplace. Safer from prying spousal eyes, I guess.
As a gal who was married to a cheater, my sympathies are strictly with the unsuspecting wife here. I have NO interest in aiding and abetting this wannabe crime.
My ex cheated all the time. And I bet he started it. An “innocent” conversation, or an admiring glance.
BUT… at some point, the “other” women had to be complicit. They knew that he was married and yet they still became willing co-conspirators.
They went along for the adultery ride. No thought to me, or how it would affect our kids. Maybe they bought his crapola about “my wife doesn’t understand me.”
Bullshit. He was married to me- and I understood him perfectly. And I was pretty darn awesome to boot.
He was just a compulsive, entitled, narcissistic louse. He did it to his first wife and he did it to me. And I fully expect him to do it to whomever he’s with- until he can’t do “it” anymore.
So let me be clear.
I NEVER want to be one of those accomplices. Not even in virtual cyber space.
Back to the married slimeballs who contact me. If the poor wives ever saw some of the stuff their supposedly-devoted husbands sent me, they’d plotz.***
***Spanish word for “drop dead on the spot.”
The wife has my 100% empathy here.
(I also have a list of pre-approved divorce lawyers for her.)
I’m done. And I hope you rats out there have learned something here today.
But I doubt it.
Well, okay, then, watch this.
LOL.
Ellen, this blog post must have been difficult to write, and truly saddens me. Perhaps you saw this recent article in the New York Times ; the headline says it all. For better or worse, American society has transformed over the past decade or two, so that all sorts of interactions now get played out on-line … it’s a tricky terrain to navigate for women as well as men, regardless of relationship status or goals. That self-evident reality having been stated, nobody, absolutely nobody, should have to be victimized by the sort of deceit and dishonesty that you describe. Be reassured that the vast majority of people are sincere and honorable, and will have your back if you will allow it (you can start by not making your CAPTCHA so difficult).
Thanks for the support, George. And yes, we live in a strange new cyber world. I agree however, that most of my interactions with people via social media have been truly positive ones. A few bad apples will never keep me from doing what I like to do. Please keep reading and commenting. And I’ll send you a little calculator for the math.
Ellen — Like your friend, George Barany (except that I manage the Captcha Math quite well), I am truly sorry that you have had to endure the loathsome and perverse experience which you described.
I have long be an advocate of privacy rights for celebrities and regret immensely that websites like TMZ, the many television programs that report or travel in entertainment gossip and the dozens of magazines that sell such stories have become prominent parts of media. The tragic death of Princess Diana some 17 or 18 years ago clearly demonstrates the danger.
Although it is not normally the style you choose for your blog, I’d encourage you to do a piece telling others — particularly women – who use internet sites and who may comment on your blog or elsewhere — how to deal with abusive situations like the one you described and how to report such persons to the website administrators where they appear so that remedial action may be taken to remove them from sight.
As they used to say on a famous TV show, “Be safe out there!”
Thanks for the comment, Jack, it was very “Hill Street (true) Blues” of you. And thanks for reminding me of something very important. I forgot to mention that the administrator of the site where I had the latest ugly incident, leapt into action. Others reported it before I did, and he immediately took the offensive comments down and threw the guy out of the group. As this guy was death-threatening other members, the admin also went the extra mile and told us where he lived. (Nowhere near me, thank goodness. And, btw, he had asked me via IM where I lived. I didn’t tell him for security reasons, of course.) Hopefully this post – and your comment- will serve to remind everyone that bad Internet behavior can be called out.
I remember the above mentioned incident. Those situations are frightening, because it somehow makes you feel violated. But I would like to add that cyber bullying is not just for men. There are many female stalkers and bullies. I feel that there are times that women can be more cruel to other women than men. Women know how to say hurtful things that are much more personal things than men.
Really glad to have an “eye witness” ring in here today. And Wow! You’re so right, Kim. That’s never happened to me (yet) but when I read some of the hateful comments on other sites, plenty of them are by women aimed at women. “Slut-shaming” in particular strikes me as so Cotton Mather. ( And now look at me. I’ve just been very un PC about Puritans. Will the Anti-Defamation League report me?)
Ellen, us MMGYB(married men got your back) of Letters From Elba will gladly bitch slap these perps anytime you ask. Just whistle, you know how to whistle don’t you. And one more thing “nobody puts Baby in the corner “,
Thanks, Steve. “It’s even better when you help.” Slim.
Ellen, I wouldn’t even bother mentioning those clowns. Allan
Good tactic, Allan. But this last incident was so over-the-top egregious that it got my blood boiling. And my fingers typing. I just had to speak up against these cyber jerks. Thanks for being one of the good guys.
Nicely said and well written. That’s a sincere compliment.
I’m pretty sure you don’t have an agenda. Thanks, X-1. I’m gratified.
We were so poor, if I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with.
My wife has sex for just one reason. She uses it to time an egg!!
My wife loves to have phone sex with me. Too bad she’s calling from her boyfriends house!!
My wife waits for me at the door wearing a sexy negligée. Only problem is, she’s waiting to come in the house.
I was in a hotel room last year and suddenly this woman started to pound wildly on the door. Finally I had to let her out!!
Some guy called the house last week and asked if the coast was clear. I replied, “How do I know, I live 900 miles from there…….”
Ojibwa, watch out!!! Kenny and Bernie will be there soon!! Along with Feldman. What a crew!!
You certainly have your own unique perspective on the issue of creepy stalkers on the Internet. Oh well. Your comment is pure ‘Bwa. Thanks, Bernie.
LOL…………. OMG Oooooops
Lol! Nice one. Thanks, Kennedy.
Sorry I am a little late to this conversation (long day at work). I am not surprised anymore to the extremes that butt-wipes go to in today’s world. Sorry you had to experience this crap, but rest assured, count me in as to one who has your back, E. Take care and try to forget these idiots.
Thanks so much, Steve. And you’re never too late. Good to know that Az. has me covered.
I’m glad you wrote about this, Ellen. The incident was quite shocking and definitely undeserved by you or the rest of us. No one has ever told me to drop dead before this happened. I guess I can take it off my bucket list now….:)
You mean your “kick the bucket” list! That creep was disgusting. But he was banished instantly by our Fearless Leader. I’m sorry this happened to all of us, Susan. But thanks for having my back.