Do you like Yelp? I LOVE Yelp. And I use it for everything.
Sure, I’ve used it to check out restaurants. But I’ve also used it to vet everything from movie theaters to funeral homes.
I really rely on the Yelpers’ unbiased comments, telling photographs and good directions.
I would be lost without it.
Literally.
But sometimes I think that it would be cool if we could check people out on it. You know, like for dating?
Wouldn’t it save a lot of time, energy and heartbreak if we could read candid and accurate reviews of what people are really like so we could make up on minds in advance whether to date them- or marry them?
Well, in that spirit of transparency, I have decided to write a Yelp review of myself.
Here’s what you’d find if you Yelp “Ellen Ross.”
ELLEN ROSS
**** 5 reviews
$$$$ Female
Add Photo Check In Bookmark
Call 
Directions
Unlisted On request
Explore the menu
Aging ex-brunette, brown eyes, fair sense of humor, good knowledge of trivia. BYOB. This site is alcohol free.
www.letterfromelba.com
Loud. Easy to hear over the roar of the crowd and ambient background noise. Senior-friendly.
Good for groups? No.
Not good for kids
… More Info
Open every day. Extended hours Friday and Saturday. Note these are the peak times. Be sure and get your reservation in at least two weeks in advance.
No Delivery. You will have to go to her.
Will do carry out under rare circumstances. Blizzards, late night cravings for Chinese, pizza and chocolate chip cookies. Check ahead.
Payments
Credit Cards
Apple Pay
Prefers outdoor seating in the summer. Palm Beach, Palm Springs, Scottsdale, St. Bart’s and Aspen in the winter.
Street Parking extremely limited. Get to know the garage guys across the street. $$ helps with the relationship-building.
SPECIALTIES
Following an eleven year hiatus, great news! Ellen Ross has come back on the market again. Well-known for her joie de vivre and brilliant intelligence, she’s a seasoned professional when it comes to dating, matrimony and so much more. She speaks French and Italian, loves music from Verdi to The Weekend and writes the oh-so-amusing blog www.letterfromelba.com
Photos and Videos
SHARE THIS BUSINESS
Messages 
Copy Link … More
REVIEW HIGHLIGHTS
X-1 5/13/70
I have to be honest here. I can’t write a rave. I’ve known Ellen since she was fourteen and she did NOT get better with age. She’s bossy, demanding and although she has a certain allure, the price tag is definitely not worth it. Very forgettable. Skip this.
PikesvillePrince 12/20/75
I have to give her one star because she was great with the dogs. Not that great with me, though. She hated beautiful Baltimore and complained all the time that she couldn’t get a good burger, pizza or hot dog. Pass this one by.
CEO one month ago
No stars
Who?
MountainMan 6/13/09
While I can’t go nuts here, I can’t complain. I always had a pretty good time with Ellen. Lousy skier, though.
KidRock 9/5/05
Come on! She was old enough to be my mother. I was on meth at the time. Way past her expiration date. Do yourself a favor. Find a hot young chick.
201 reviews that are not currently recommended
This is brilliant and hilarious!
I give you a 5 star review for friendship, loyalty, and love. Constantly entertaining, witty,
and a world-class brainiac!
Truly a one-of-a-kind!⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
The proprietor thanks you for your generous review. This entitles you to limitless free visits and one dirty martini on the house.
⭐⭐⭐⭐
Two days ago
I don’t understand all the negative reviews here. I’ve been coming here for almost 2 years now and have had nothing but good times. I do agree with previous reviewers regarding her being sometimes bossy and demanding, and always complaining about being unable to find a good pizza but I do think her positive attributes far outweigh the negatives. She is definitely good with dogs.
I would highly recommend giving her a try if you can afford the $$$$, don’t mind being mentally challenged nor having to see crossword puzzles continuosly. I think she’s like a fine wine, getting better with age, but I also understand reservations are near impossible to land in the foreseeable future
The proprietor thanks you for this (surprisingly) postive review. As a “thank you” you will be receiving chocolate chip cookies 🍪 for a year and a complimentary case of Old Style. Cheers! 🍻
🦃🦃🦃
In honor of Thanksgiving, I give her a 3 turkey rating.
She is a good looking but somewhat pathetic character. Don’t rely on her for dating advice. Apparently can pick a ripe cantaloupe better than a life partner. Still looking for Mr. Right. Jury is still out on TBF.
With her alcoholic drinking proclivities she is better suited for living in Utah. On the positive side, the restaurant tab is cheaper.
Writes a very entertaining blog, but oy vey, only if you can understand French, Italian and other foreign words and phrases. Capisci? Tu comprendes? Comprehend-vous?
Has cute grandkids, but they are doomed to be part of her blog for as long as she writes.
Would have given her 🦃🦃🦃🦃 but vetting funeral homes through Yelp…really?
The proprietor thanks for this 🦃🦃🦃review. Very informative and accurate. And as as “Thank You” you get a shrimp de jonghe on the house and an Ojibwa clap clap clap clap.
One of the lingering threats of technology is the eventual demise of great writing like yours. Really, which I-Phone edition could turn Yelp into an hysterical tableau?
The proprietor thanks you for the use of the word “hysterical” and you will receive two complimentary tickets to “Guys and Dolls” and a bottle of Dom Perignon.